We Ushered Him to the Feet of His Savior

January 17, 2015

The night our son passed away was a night that I will never, ever forget.  There was a sense of extreme, intense sadness and at the same time a sense of awe as we watch Luke take his last breath and enter into the safe arms of Jesus.  My sister Beth put it absolutely beautifully...

"We watched him pass from their arms into Christ's. And He didn't have to pry, they willingly gave to their Savior, Luke, their most valuable treasure.  The most precious night, sorrow and heartbreak, joy and hope.  We were truly standing on holy ground, there in that hospital room."

Watching my son pass away was the most painful thing I've ever had to do.  Everything in me ached to reach inside him and revive him.  To fix what was wrong.  To somehow create two functioning kidneys.  To somehow breathe life into his lungs that didn't work.  Yet at that moment, I felt the Lord carrying me.  It was like I could hear Him say to me...

"My daughter, your precious boy is with me at this very moment.  He is whole and alive and feels no pain.  He feels nothing but complete joy."

The moments after we got confirmation that Luke's heart was no longer beating, I felt peace.  Not peace in a way that made me feel joy, but peace that surpassed my understanding.  Peace that told me it's ok.  I knew without a doubt that Luke was with my Savior and that brought me joy.  Believe me, I wanted Luke with us more than anything else, but God gave me a supernatural joy that night that allowed me to willingly hand him over.  As I stared into Luke's face after he passed, it amazed me to know that the same eyes that were just staring at me, were now staring into the face of Jesus.  Just like that.  No passage of time, no in-between waiting time, immediately in the presence of Christ.  Amazing!

For the first time in my life, I truly longed for Heaven.  As a Christian, I would occasionally think about Heaven.  If I were completely honest, it was something that scared me a little bit.  But as I laid there with Luke on my chest, I longed for Heaven in a new way.  I long to be rid of this world of sin.  I long to be rid of this daily battle with sin.  I long to be with the Lord and to spend eternity with Him.  I long to be with my son again.

Justin and I made an agreement in the weeks leading up to Luke's birth.  We promised that as long as Luke was alive, he wouldn't leave our arms.  He would either be in mine, Justin's, or the nurses arms. For the 6 1/2 hours he was alive, that's what happened.  We never let him go.  We held him his whole life.  As soon as he did pass away, we then let our family and friends hold him.  He was passed around the room by his father.  Justin wanted to be the one who handed him to each family member, each friend.  I loved seeing the joy on people's faces as they held our boy.  It was beautiful and heartbreaking to watch all at the same time.  Each person took a turn.  Each person had tears in their eyes.  Each person gazed into Luke's face, this little boy they had all prayed so much for.  A little boy that has changed my life forever.  I'll never be the same.