Laying your child to rest. Probably the most difficult thing I've had to do in my life thus far. The thought of putting my child in the ground, six feet down to be exact, terrified me. I didn't want to do it. I wanted Luke with me. I didn't want him in the ground. But, the day was here and there was no turning back.
As the day approached, we kept a close eye on the weather for that day. It was forecasted to be cold, wet, and rainy. The type of weather that's very fitting for a graveside service, right? Even though the forecast was very fitting for how we were feeling, I was earnestly praying that it would change. That somehow it wouldn't be raining. That somehow the freezing rain that was supposed to come, wouldn't. It wasn't looking good, but we have to proceed anyway.
I woke up that morning and it was cold and gray, but the rain was holding off. The service was scheduled for 11am, and at around 9am, the rain started. Perfect. Not only do I have to bury my son today, but I'm going to have to stand in the rain to do it. I remember specifically praying that the rain would stop. At least stop long enough so that we could get through the service semi-dry.
As we made our way to the cemetery, it was lightly sprinkling. Just barely. When we arrived at the cemetery, the rain stopped. Not a drop! I was silently thanking the Lord for this small blessing. At least we could get through this service without the rain pelting us.
The ceremony began with Justin carrying Luke's casket to the spot where he would be buried. Justin dreaded the thought of this and didn't know how he'd make it through that moment. Mike, the funeral director, opened the back of the vehicle that was carrying Luke's casket. There he was. Our tiny, little boy, in a small, white casket with a spray of white roses on top of it. I had never seen a casket so small. I wanted to badly to rip the lid off of it, pick him up, and take him home. We walked over to the car and Justin picked up the casket and held it in his arms. The tears flowed. We very carefully walked the casket over to the spot and set it down, then took our seats. Our pastor, Lee, did an amazing job with the graveside message. He spoke truth and reminded us again that the grave is not the end. Just as Lee started talking about the glory of God, something amazing happened. The morning had been cold and rainy, and RIGHT at 11am the sun came out!! It came out for maybe 2-3 minutes and was not seen again the rest of the day. It was as if God was telling us all
"I am here with you. I'm in this place. Here is a gentle reminder that in the midst of your tears, I am still King and shining light into your broken hearts." My sister got our her camera and took a picture of the sun shining through the clouds right over us. We all looked at each other as if to say "Can you believe it?!" How kind and loving of the Lord to bring the sunshine just as we started the ceremony.
When it was time for Justin and I to leave, I took a white rose from the arrangement on his casket. I didn't want to just leave Luke there. I knew he was in heaven, but leaving his physical body just sitting there, was so difficult. I put my hand on his casket and said...
"My little boy, I miss you so much and can't wait to see you again. I promise to come back here and visit often. I promise to keep this spot looking nice and bring you flowers. I love you so much."
As Justin and I drove away, I was sobbing. I kept looking back at his tiny casket sitting there and saying out loud...
"Please be careful with him. Please lay him down in the ground carefully. Please be gentle."
I wanted them to be as careful with his body as possible. I knew they would, but my mommy heart was breaking and I wanted them to be gentle. As we pulled away and he was no longer in sight, my heart broke into a million pieces. He was officially laid to rest.
Since Luke's burial, we have gone back many times to visit him. I'm looking forward to the warm weather when the snow around him melts away and I can sit on the grass without freezing! I look forward to the trees being bloomed out and being able to sit under the big tree he's buried under and talk to him. Even though I know he's not there, his body is and it brings me some comfort to be there close to his physical body. I look forward to the day where I can see him again and there is no longer a need for cemeteries. No need for headstones. Until that day comes, I'll continue visiting him and thanking the Lord for his precious, short, meaningful, effective life. I love you so much, my boy.
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