I am going to organize my thoughts in three categories for the sake of flow. If not, I know myself and it'll be a jumbling mess in which you'll abort reading and give me a "well bless his heart, he tried." In light of the season of Advent, and drawing from recent conversations with various people in the midst of painful days and nights, firstly I'll discuss how it is no accident our most painful time is in the middle of this celebratory season we know to be Advent.
1. Our Advent
Advent means, the coming. Christ came to rescue us even though we do not deserve it. His rescue plan was to send His son, knowing full well he'd have to die to preserve this plan that was set into place before the foundation of the earth ("Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will
-Ephesians 1:3-5) God knew His Son would suffer, but suffer not just for sufferings sake, but to eradicate the sin that infiltrated the world, to remove it that WE could live. That's grace. In a way, our season of advent is similar. Don't get me wrong, we aren't God, not even close, but the pain we feel is not dissimilar to the pain our Father had when His Son was being sacrificed. Katie and I in times of deepest sadness cling to each other, because we feel the pain of the other. It's in times like that, we also take comfort in knowing we can cling to Him who drew us. ("Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." -Hebrews 4:16).
2. Glimpses of Grace
It's easy to fall into the woe is me trap. Our overwhelming sadness moments sometimes come in the times when we reach for the grace that is not yet supplied. Have you ever been so hungry at Christmas time and the cookies just came out of the oven and you reach for one only to burn your finger or tongue? Those cookies are the grace supplied to us, but it's not ready yet, it needs time to cool, but we reach anyway knowing full well they aren't comfortably consumable. We are only supplied the grace for the moment, nothing more. A verse that I love, and that I put on a bracelet to help me focus on what we know to be true is 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 which says "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Weakness draws us closer to God, and many times Katie and I are reminded of this as we are in our darkest moments. We'll look at each other and say how in our weakest movements are when we draw from the well that is living water the most ("Jesus said to her, Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."-John 4:13-14)
John Piper has an advent book that we read every year and an entry on December 3rd of this year titled "Draw Near to the Savior" in which he states "One of the things pleasing in Gods sight is that His people keep on drawing near to Him forever and ever. And so He is working in us this very thing." May He continue to work in us and draw us through our season of grief and display His grace daily, no more than needed for that moment, and may we trust in the sufficiency of that grace. When we remember this and reach for that cookie when and only when it's ready, may we savor the sweetness that is grace.
Ok, before I ramble on, there is application. These truths are all well and good and can be recited, but if you are like me, I need to see it sometimes. I am going to highlight just a FEW of many glimpses God has allowed us in on.
John Piper has an advent book that we read every year and an entry on December 3rd of this year titled "Draw Near to the Savior" in which he states "One of the things pleasing in Gods sight is that His people keep on drawing near to Him forever and ever. And so He is working in us this very thing." May He continue to work in us and draw us through our season of grief and display His grace daily, no more than needed for that moment, and may we trust in the sufficiency of that grace. When we remember this and reach for that cookie when and only when it's ready, may we savor the sweetness that is grace.
Ok, before I ramble on, there is application. These truths are all well and good and can be recited, but if you are like me, I need to see it sometimes. I am going to highlight just a FEW of many glimpses God has allowed us in on.
a. As with most pregnancies morning sickness was prevalent early on. It seems like non stop uncomfortable nausea and "car sickness" as Katie explained it. On that day, September 12th, when we learned of Luke's condition, Katie looked back and realized, the sickness had dissipated. That's grace.
b. Our doctor told us that the likelihood of Luke making it to term, even to the point he is currently would be slim. This diagnosis would mean neither Katie nor I would get to experience his movements, kicks, growth, etc. Each week with each checkup, his heart is strong and it is frequent Katie says he moves around even in the confined space he is limited to. I too have been able to feel that movement. He's a fighter, that's grace.
c. I'll be honest, throughout this ordeal, I've had many clusters of weeks where reading my bible has been less than desirable, many times its in those moments where the sadness has lessened and we seem to be "OK." Sometimes its in those darkest moments that we are closer to Him and as I referred to earlier, yearning for the living water, dehydrated to the point where sin invades. He knows my heart and my tendencies, He knows when I'm "OK", I'm not yearning. Just as God doesn't leave us there when we fall, He doesn't leave us at "OK" either. That's grace. "No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will never leave you or forsake you." - Joshua 1:5
3. What lies ahead...
We have been given the grace so far, and will continue to be given grace for each moment that passes from here on. We have some plans to make, arrangements to get in order, and many more decisions that will affect our lives in the coming month. We try to let each moment of grace encapsulate us, protect us from the hurt each decision puts us through. We ultimately know the faces of those around us hurt for us, and thus have seen the kindness and generosity of many these past months and are confident there will be more. For this we cannot be more grateful. As the years pass and I wholeheartedly believe God has children for us in the future, whether that be biologically or through adoption, we'll look back on our Lucas and always know he was our first and precious boy. You know, you sit in the pews as a kid and through the drawings of batman and the anticipation of your favorite show that comes on just as church is ending and you hear the pastor speak of heaven and in your little head think, yeah I like that, but right now, this batman drawing is pretty sweet. It's moments like now at 32 that I hear him, and that longing for the eternal state where not only will we be reunited with those we cared for, but that will pale in comparison to the worship we'll get to experience right along side them in eternity here on this recreated earth. I get it now, I long for that. Luke will have a body, with kidneys and a bladder, I'll have ears to hear the majestic chorus of angels singing, my sin will no longer weigh me (and you) down, not to mention I'll draw the most perfect batman ever!
In closing, its this last paragraph that allows us to hope, to move through the dark days. The days we reach for that still cooling cookie, the glimpses of grace we sometimes overlook and not hear the pastor encouraging us to hold fast to what's to come, please pray we avoid these pitfalls. Please continue to pray for us that as we walk through this, that we aren't the only ones in the fire ("Did we not cast three men into the fire...but I see four men unbound, walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt; and the appearance of the fourth is like a 'son of the gods.'" -Daniel 3:24-25) God not only gives us these trials to strengthen us, but he walks in the midst of the fire with us. Our prayer is that, as this account describes, many see the fire all around us, but we hope they see more than Justin, Katie and Luke in it, we hope Christ is apparent and that we would make more of Him.
b. Our doctor told us that the likelihood of Luke making it to term, even to the point he is currently would be slim. This diagnosis would mean neither Katie nor I would get to experience his movements, kicks, growth, etc. Each week with each checkup, his heart is strong and it is frequent Katie says he moves around even in the confined space he is limited to. I too have been able to feel that movement. He's a fighter, that's grace.
c. I'll be honest, throughout this ordeal, I've had many clusters of weeks where reading my bible has been less than desirable, many times its in those moments where the sadness has lessened and we seem to be "OK." Sometimes its in those darkest moments that we are closer to Him and as I referred to earlier, yearning for the living water, dehydrated to the point where sin invades. He knows my heart and my tendencies, He knows when I'm "OK", I'm not yearning. Just as God doesn't leave us there when we fall, He doesn't leave us at "OK" either. That's grace. "No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will never leave you or forsake you." - Joshua 1:5
3. What lies ahead...
We have been given the grace so far, and will continue to be given grace for each moment that passes from here on. We have some plans to make, arrangements to get in order, and many more decisions that will affect our lives in the coming month. We try to let each moment of grace encapsulate us, protect us from the hurt each decision puts us through. We ultimately know the faces of those around us hurt for us, and thus have seen the kindness and generosity of many these past months and are confident there will be more. For this we cannot be more grateful. As the years pass and I wholeheartedly believe God has children for us in the future, whether that be biologically or through adoption, we'll look back on our Lucas and always know he was our first and precious boy. You know, you sit in the pews as a kid and through the drawings of batman and the anticipation of your favorite show that comes on just as church is ending and you hear the pastor speak of heaven and in your little head think, yeah I like that, but right now, this batman drawing is pretty sweet. It's moments like now at 32 that I hear him, and that longing for the eternal state where not only will we be reunited with those we cared for, but that will pale in comparison to the worship we'll get to experience right along side them in eternity here on this recreated earth. I get it now, I long for that. Luke will have a body, with kidneys and a bladder, I'll have ears to hear the majestic chorus of angels singing, my sin will no longer weigh me (and you) down, not to mention I'll draw the most perfect batman ever!
In closing, its this last paragraph that allows us to hope, to move through the dark days. The days we reach for that still cooling cookie, the glimpses of grace we sometimes overlook and not hear the pastor encouraging us to hold fast to what's to come, please pray we avoid these pitfalls. Please continue to pray for us that as we walk through this, that we aren't the only ones in the fire ("Did we not cast three men into the fire...but I see four men unbound, walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt; and the appearance of the fourth is like a 'son of the gods.'" -Daniel 3:24-25) God not only gives us these trials to strengthen us, but he walks in the midst of the fire with us. Our prayer is that, as this account describes, many see the fire all around us, but we hope they see more than Justin, Katie and Luke in it, we hope Christ is apparent and that we would make more of Him.
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