Almost A Year

January 11, 2016

It's hard to believe.  Has it really almost been a year since Luke's birth and death?  Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and some days it feels like it was a million years ago.  It's hard to explain.  It's a weird feeling.

Luke's birthday is on Saturday.  Justin and I have discussed a little bit what we want to do that day.  And we aren't quite sure.  We've never lost a child before.  We've never had to celebrate the birthday of a child who is in Heaven.  What should that day look like?  We don't know.  I don't think there is a right or wrong way to celebrate and remember Luke.  Whatever we end up doing, we will think of Luke every second and remember the sweet 6 1/2 hours we had with him.

We will also reflect on how the Lord has carried us this year as we had to face all the "firsts'".  The first Mother's Day, first Father's Day, first birthdays without Luke with us.  All of those moments we dreaded, yet God met us there and gave us the grace to get through each one.

Had things gone my way, I'd be planning Luke's 1st birthday party right now.  I wouldn't be planning what to do on the 1 year mark of his birth and passing.  The grief of that reality has hit hard this week as I've had moments where the tears just flow out of nowhere, and I have to beg God to get me through this week.  And I know He will.

So as we approach this weekend, I'm thankful.  I'm thankful that we've made it this first year.  I'm thankful that we haven't abandoned our faith.  Thankful that the Lord hasn't let us go and He is fighting for my heart.  I need only be still.