The day was quickly approaching. Much quicker than Justin or I expected. Yet, at the same time, this first year went by slowly. It's a weird feeling and hard to explain. The first year flew by yet crawled along as well. It was the hardest of years, yet a year of most growth.
As Luke's birthday was getting closer, Justin and I started discussing what we wanted to do to celebrate. We had no idea what was "typical" for grieving parents to do as they celebrated the birthday's of their children who had passed. I reached out to a couple friends who had lost children and asked what they typically did. After a lot of thought, we planned to not make plans. Our pastor, Lee, told us..."Don't put a lot of pressure on yourselves. Just enjoy the day, enjoy remembering Luke and reflect on all the Lord has brought you through." What wise counsel.
So, how did our boy's birthday begin....at Starbucks of course! We got up, got ready, and went and sat at our local Starbucks with his photo book. We gazed at each and every picture, remembering each and every moment of the night he was born. Each face, each friend that was there, each nurse that was on shift that night. Thankfully, I remember each and every detail of that night. I prayed that God would keep me alert and that I would't have to be put under for any reason, and He answered. It was great to sit and look at his photo book and reminisce about those sweet, precious hours we had with him. After our time at Starbucks, we headed to the cemetery. First, we stopped at the grocery store and got a "Happy Birthday" balloon to take and attach to his grave. We cried, we talked about the night he was born, and we sang "Happy Birthday" to him. We wished more than anything that we could sing to him in person.
After the cemetery, we went to Riverside Hospital, where he was born. We were hoping to see this one particular nurse that was with me that night. Her name was Laura and she was an answer to our prayers. Unfortunately, she wasn't working that day, but the nurses we did talk to said for us to please come back and try again when she's there; said she would love to see us. We hope to do that soon! After our stop at the hospital, we went to an early lunch at Cap City Diner ~ one of our favorite restaurants here in Columbus. Cap City was the first place we went to eat after we found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately, nausea hit hard on our way that day back in June of 2014, and I wasn't able to eat a thing. We thought it would be neat to go back to Cap City and have a birthday meal there in honor of Luke, and be able to enjoy it this time! And we did enjoy it; it's a fantastic place! After lunch, we headed home. Earlier that week, we had ordered a special "pillow" from a lady on Etsy, that makes little pillows in memory of babies who had passed away, and they are the EXACT weight of your child. Justin had been getting shipping updates, and it was due to arrive on Luke's birthday! We couldn't wait to hold it. When we got home from Cap City, it was in our mailbox! It was perfect. 3 pounds, 6 ounces. We held it and remembered what it felt like to have Luke in our arms. And what great timing for it to arrive on his birthday :)
To cap off the day, we had a gathering at my sister Beth's house for dinner in honor of Luke. Earlier that week, Beth asked if it was ok if she planned a get together for Luke's birthday and of course I said yes! I was so excited. We had a great evening with close friends and family and a special time of remembering our little boy. There were tears, of course, but there was also a sweet time of sharing and reflecting on how God has been so faithful through this first year without Luke. We still question why this happened, and what good will come out of this, but through it all, our eyes are still on Christ.
Justin and I also wanted to start a new tradition each year for Luke's birthday. We debated about what to do. Wanted something special and meaningful, but wasn't quite sure what that looked like. Justin came up with a GREAT idea! Each year, we are going to buy Luke a birthday card, write in it, and keep them in his keepsake bin. So, we went to Lifeway, and bought a birthday card. That was difficult, knowing he would never see it or read it. But, we knew we would and Lord-willing we would have other children that could read them someday. We thought it would be neat to go back and read them over the years. Here is the first one...
So, overall, the day was difficult yet happy at the same time. I didn't know how I would be emotionally, and thankfully the Lord brought me joy that day. I didn't expect that. I thought I would be a mess. As I was going throughout the day, I kept wishing that I was planning an actual birthday party for my son. I wished that I could see him smash his first birthday cake all over the place. But as I reflected on the day....I started wondering about what birthdays are like in Heaven. I'm sure he had the grandest party of them all! Way better than I could've pulled off!
My sweet boy, happy birthday! I can't wait until I can celebrate birthdays with you in Heaven and smash cakes together! We love you and miss you more and more each day.
