Then January 29th came. The 1 year anniversary of the day we buried Luke. My emotions this day took me by total surprise. I thought it would be a day similar to the 1 year mark of Luke's passing, but boy was I wrong.
It. Was. Hard. The day was filled with nothing but grief. I barely got through my shift at Target. I was holding back the tears constantly. It felt like my heart was literally breaking in two. I was overwhelmed with pain and anger and kept thinking to myself..."Lord, why did you make me bury my son?" I was hurting. I wanted Luke with me so badly.
When I got home from work, I knew the best thing for my heart was to sit and spend time in prayer and in the Word. I sat down, grabbed my Bible, but just stared at it. I couldn't open it. I was yet again angry with God and didn't want to hear what He had to say to me. And then the tears flowed. I sat on my couch and just cried. And it was the ugly cry too. The kind of cry where you can't catch your breath, and snot is dripping from your nose and you wipe it on your sleeve. After about 20 minutes of this, I decided to head to the cemetery.
Being that it's January, I could only stand to be outside at the cemetery just a few minutes. It was so dang cold. Instead of standing at his grave, I went and sat in my warm car, which is about 15 feet from his grave. I sat there in silence for a few minutes, just staring at Luke's picture on his headstone. I just sat. And then I started to pray. Out loud. For the first time in my life, I literally CRIED out to God. I was yelling in my car.
"I AM TRYING TO TRUST YOU!! I AM TRYING TO BELIEVE WHAT YOU SAY IS TRUE. PLEASE HELP MY UNBELIEF. PLEASE GIVE ME JOY AGAIN. I AM TRYING TO TRUST YOU!!"
I said a lot more than this, but you get the idea. This went on for about 10 minutes. After I was done praying, it almost felt like a burden was lifted from my shoulders. I just had to get it out, audibly. I had to hear it myself. I know God knows my heart anyway, so I knew He could take it.
As the day went on, I could feel the Lord restoring my joy again. I think it's true that God brings us into the valleys to show us how glorious the hills can be. It's during those dark, hard, painful times that I'm shown much grace. And when I'm on the other side of those valleys and reflect on God's faithfulness, it's then that I see how kind and loving He is to see me through the valley of the shadow of death. Just as God has been faithful to us through this entire journey, I know He will continue to be faithful each and every moment like this. And they will come again. Surely they will. I will miss Luke each and every day of my life, and with that, comes longing and pain. But, God is good and He will carry us and He will never let us go.
Lukey, we miss you. We love you. You're our first born, our precious little boy. Yes, mommy and daddy get very sad, but we KNOW you are happy, complete, full, whole, and in the presence of your Creator. Our separation is temporary. We can't wait to spend eternity with you. Your grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins can't wait either! They all miss you tremendously too. Hugs and kisses, sweet boy.
