November 10, 2015
The last time I was getting my hair done, my friend Paige said...
"When are you going to blog again?!? You haven't for a while and you should because I love to read your posts".
To be honest, I didn't have any exciting "updates" or any amazing stories to tell, so my laptop has been sitting on our desk collecting dust. In fact, that's exactly what my life kinda feels like right now. Like I am sitting around collecting "dust" if you will, while we wait and see what God is going to do next in our lives. And to be even more honest, I didn't feel like writing anything. My blog has been centered around our son, so each time I sign onto Blogger, I'm reminded, again, that he's not here and the reason my blog exists is because my son is gone.
As I sat in my friends salon chair and told her...
"But nothing is really happening right now. What should I write about?"
She said...
"Write about what you're feeling; what's going on with your heart."
Ok. I'll do that.
I miss Luke. I HATE that he's not here. And in reference to the title of my post...I'll be honest, once again. I'm dreading Thanksgiving. I'm dreading Christmas. This would have been Luke's first holiday season. I walk around Target and see "My First Thanksgiving" outfits, and I hold back tears every time. I WANT MY SON HERE WITH ME.
Over the past couple months, I've really struggled with anger towards God. Do I feel that way even today? Yes. Since Luke's passing, I've tried really hard to not be angry. I've really tried to trust the Lord through every single hard moment and every single time I feel like giving up. But recently, I've just been angry. Angry that we lost Luke. Angry that we have struggled SO long to have a child. Angry that infertility exists. Angry that our IUI procedure failed last month. And on and on.
Ok, so how do I combat these emotions? Be in God's Word. Pray. Repeat! But sometimes I'm so burdened, I don't want to do those things. I don't feel like reading my Bible. I don't WANT to pray. I know in my head what will help me in this battle against anger, but my heart doesn't want it.
Wow. That was hard to type. Transparency. But, I feel like being honest with how I'm coping is better than putting on a happy face and pretending everything is fine. Everything isn't fine. Even though almost 10 months has passed since Luke died, it feels like 10 days. It's still so raw and painful.
For those reading this: pray for me. And Justin. Pray that God would continue to draw us to Himself. That He would help me with my feelings of anger. That I would look to Him in those moments when it feels like I'm drowning and the hurt overwhelms me. I just miss my boy. I want him in my arms more than anything. Until that day comes, I'll continue to think of him and be thankful for the 6+ hours we had with him.
