God Must Be Teaching Me to Trust Him

August 30, 2016 It seems like the last two years of my life have had an overwhelming theme wrapped around it. Trust. Trust in the Lord. Two years ago we found out we were expecting our first child. I was instantly worried. "Trust me..." I heard the Lord whisper in my ear. 16 weeks later we found out our precious little boy wouldn't survive. I would have to hand him over to Jesus hours after birth. "Trust me, daughter...". The night Luke was born, was the hardest yet most beautiful time of my life. When the nurse walked in to wheel him out of our hospital room, I thought I just might fall apart. "I'm here, trust me, beloved..." You get the idea. As we faced each and every hard moment along the way, God was calling me to trust Him over and over again. Clearly, I couldn't face these things alone. As much as I didn't want to, I had to trust. I had to fully believe that God knew what He was doing. Now, as we are going through this adoption process, we wait some more. And yet the same theme is cursing through my veins. Trust. God allowed us to go through a failed adoption. We still trust Him and know that wasn't the child He has for us. Was that hard? You betcha. Was I yet again angry and confused with God's plan? Yep. Now we are in a place with no leads on a baby, and we are just waiting for a match again. There are days when it feels like it's never going to happen. Like this waiting could go on and on with no end in sight. Even though we know things can change overnight when it comes to adoption, it still feels like there's nothing happening! So what do we do? Do we throw ourselves a pity party and do the whole "Woe is me!" thing? No. We continue to wait and TRUST that God knows what He's doing. Maybe our child isn't born yet. Maybe our child isn't conceived yet. Maybe God sees what's coming around the corner and is causing us to wait to avoid more heartache. I don't know. What I do know is that He is good and His plan is clearly better than mine. I never thought I'd be 35 and still waiting to have a child in our home. I might be the oldest mom in the school pick up line one day, but hey, who cares. My God is trustworthy and I will continue to wait because I know that what He has planned for us is totally better than anything I could think or imagine. I've been coming up with a list of things that are "positives" as we've had to wait... 1) More time to raise money. 2) More time for Justin and I to be "just the two of us" 3) More opportunities to grow in my walk with the Lord 4) Conferences, Bible studies & events I've been able to attend 5) Lots of 1 on 1 time with nieces and nephews Those are a few. Had we gotten a child quickly, most of those things wouldn't have been possible. So, I'm thankful, in the midst of the waiting. How you can be praying for us: 1) Patience as we wait. 2) Our future child and his/her birth mom. 3) The necessary funds to come in. 4) That God would teach us more and more about Himself during this time. Thank you, friends, for your continued support.

He Will Hold Me Fast

It has been a while since logging onto my blog and writing something. Why? I couldn't tell you. It's not like there has been a shortage of things to write about. In fact, I could have written a book on all that has gone on with Justin and I regarding adoption lately. Unfortunately, it's not happy things to report. No, it's hard things. Maybe that's why I haven't wanted to blog. For once, I'd like to report something happy. That will come, I'm sure. For those who haven't heard, we had an adoption fail. Back in March we were matched with a local birth mom and we were utterly thrilled. We had met with her several times and I was really growing to love this girl despite it being hard sometimes. I prayed for her daily. I prayed for the little boy inside of her daily. Both Justin and I were growing very emotionally attached to this little life inside her. We received a text from our social worker saying that our birth mom, let's call her "Sue", would be induced May 20, 2016. Wow, were we excited! We went and registered, we purchased essential things to have at home should he arrive before that, everything was ready! Towels washed, swing assembled, clothes folded perfectly in the drawers, the car seat was even installed. As the day was approaching, we got news that Sue was actually induced early and the baby was born! We were so excited. But, we got some unsettling news. Apparently, there was a family member that was showing interest in the baby and now we don't know if we're going to get him or not. We were devastated. We didn't see this coming. Everything is us wanted to drive down to the hospital he was at, scoop him up, and love on him like we had planned to do all along. That didn't happen. After a couple weeks of no news, we got a random text from Sue telling us that she has gone in a different direction. She thanked us for the support and wished us luck in our search. Wait, what?! So, it's over? Just like that? We immediately broke down into tears. It was another loss. We had already lost our son Luke, and now we are going through the loss of what we thought would be our second son. I remember having similar emotions that evening that we experienced losing Luke.... "Ok Lord, hold me up. We just might loose it here. Please, hold us together." And He has. Just as He did when we lost Luke, God is walking with us as we walk through this trial. He's near, He's not letting us go, and He's preparing us for what's to come. We don't know what that is yet, but we know it will be good. It will be God's best. Isn't that what we desire most? Yes, without a doubt. Last week, I had the opportunity to go to The Gospel Coalition Women's Conference in Indianapolis with 11 other women from our church. A month or so ago I wasn't planning on going because I thought I would be home feeding, holding, loving, and caring for our new baby. Since the Lord had other plans, I was able to go. Oh, I'm so glad He allowed that. It was an amazing time of refreshment both physically and spiritually. God really used this time away to speak to me through His Word and renewed my joy in Him. The theme of the conference was suffering. Now ain't that timely! Ok God, I get it! You wanted me to hear all this amazing teaching on suffering. It was so good. The conference organizers brought in Keith & Kristyn Getty to lead worship those three days. I had heard of them, but never listened to their music before. Wow, was it good. It wasn't fluffy worship music that repeated the same catchy words over and over again. It was the Gospel put to song. It was solid, truthful, and pointed my heart straight to the One that the Gospel is about. My favorite song they led us to sing was called "He Will Hold Me Fast." The song starts by their violinist playing a solo. Talk about goosebumps! Here is a ginormous room filled with 7,200 women and all you hear is the beautiful sound of a violin. It brought me to tears. Here are the lyrics to the song... Verse 1 "When I fear my faith will fail, Christ will hold me fast; When the tempter would prevail, He will hold me fast. I could never keep my hold through life’s fearful path; For my love is often cold; He must hold me fast. Chorus He will hold me fast, He will hold me fast; For my Saviour loves me so, He will hold me fast. Verse 2 Those He saves are His delight, Christ will hold me fast; Precious in his holy sight, He will hold me fast. He’ll not let my soul be lost; His promises shall last; Bought by Him at such a cost, He will hold me fast. Verse 3 For my life He bled and died, Christ will hold me fast; Justice has been satisfied; He will hold me fast. Raised with Him to endless life, He will hold me fast ‘Till our faith is turned to sight, When He comes at last! Powerful words, yes? Imagine singing this with 7,200 people. It was a glimpse of what worship in Heaven will be like. It was also a beautiful thought that no matter what trial we may walk through, Christ will hold me. He will not let my soul be lost even though my love for Him of often cold. Do yourself a favor and buy this song on iTunes. In fact, by their whole album! You won't regret it, and may it bless your heart just as much as it blessed mine. So, as Justin and I continue to wait for the baby that is handpicked by God for us, we cling to the promises of His Word and take comfort knowing that He is holding us fast. And won't ever let us go.

Ava's Donation

When we began this adoption process, we knew that fundraising would be a big part of our story. We didn't have an extra $30,000 laying around (who does?!) so we started praying about how to raise such a large amount of money. As I browsed adoption fundraising blogs, I saw that a lot of couples held fundraising dinners. Specifically, spaghetti dinners. Ok, for those of you who knew me well, throwing a big event like that is NOT my gift. I can do paperwork till' I'm blue in the face, tackle a long to-do list...but event planning...not my thing! So, how did I go about such a task? I was encouraged to send out an email to my friends who were good at this type of thing. Those who were good at throwing parties, organized, etc. So I did. I got a response from my dear friend Morgan from church. I was so glad she responded because she has a catering background and is SO gifted! We met for coffee and started planning this dinner. She compiled a list of things we needed to, idea for a silent auction as well, and ways to have the food donated. The event was scheduled for Saturday, April 23. It approached quickly, and to be honest, I was a little stressed with all the details and how it would come together. Silly me for stressing! Morgan was so on top of things! It came together perfectly and the night was a huge success. The morning of the fundraiser, my sister Megan sent me a text. Her text said... "Ava is giving you guys all her piggy bank money." Our sweet 6 year old niece was donating all the money she saved up in her piggy bank to us, to help bring her new cousin home. When Megan told us she wanted to do this, my first response was..."I can't take all her money! She worked so hard saving it!" My mom later encouraged us to accept it, as she might be hurt if we didn't. As soon as Ava arrived for the dinner, we gave her the biggest hug and told her how thankful we were for her donation! She had a big smile on her face, and handed us a Ziplock bag full of change and a few $1 bills. We placed it in the donation box we had set up at the front doors. When we got home later that night, we counted Ava's donation. She gave us $9.52 :) The most meaningful donation of the night, and the most special. She gave us all she had. I told her that her donation was a HUGE help and that she had a big part in bringing her new cousin home. Her face lit up. $9.52...the best donation there ever was.

Adoption Fundrasing Journey

Hi everyone! Well, the journey to adopting is a wonderful roller coaster.  Navigating through Agencies, birth-moms, the selection process, creating the "perfect profile", and the hardest and most difficult part (at least for us) the financials.  We struggled jumping into the waters of adoption because of this very thing.  Asking for monetary donations, describing needs, laying out income details and being upfront about what is needed is very hard for us.  We know it can be a sin issue for us, the pride aspect.  Justin and I have had to lean on the Lord for all of this and know that He is the great provider and sustainer.  He will provide, and we trust that.  The process and the strength to be bold and speak up is where we struggle. 
So, with that said, we have been approved for a tax deductible donation site to help us with this process and allow any of our family or friends a way to help with monetary, tax deductible gifts.  We feel this would be an easy, non pressured way to let everyone know our needs and allow them to give if they feel led to do so. Please consider helping us if the Lord leads you to do so.  We have a long way to go and have been in contact with a couple potential opportunities that could be sooner rather than later.  Thank you all once again for all the support you've given us thus-far and we thank you in advance for the support we know you'll continue to provide. We love you all!  God is good, all the time. :)

Justin's Letter to Our Unborn Child

Well, friends, we can officially say our home study is DONE!!  Wow, what a process that was.  It was a lot of work, but not nearly as bad as what I was thinking it would be.  Thanks for our dear friend Paige who just went through the adoption process (who I swear is my 4th sister that got lost in the Gammon household somehow), she made it so much easier for us.  She helped us make lists, what things needed to be photo copied, what phone calls we needed to make, etc.  Complete with a cute, plastic folder-like thing, post-it's, tabs, you name it.  Paige and I have a slight obsession with all things office-y...pens, washi tape, planners, post-it's, stickers.  It's kind of a problem!  Haha!

Anyway, back to my point.  Part of the home study process included independent training that Justin and I had to complete.  It was a lot of reading articles, watching videos, read a book on adoption, answer questions that went along with what we read, etc.  One of the last things we had to do was write a letter to our unborn child.  When we got all the materials and I saw that page at the end, I remember thinking..."Oh heavens, what am I going to write. Lord, give me the words to say."  So last night as Justin and I were sitting down on the couch, we came to that page.  He turned to me and said...

"Here, let me write it."

He picked up the paper, went over to our barstools, and sat down and started writing.  When he was done, he walked back to the couch and handed it to me with tears in his eyes.  He said.."It was hard getting through that."  As I read it, the tears started to develop in my eyes as well.  It was short, sweet, simple, yet filled with love and excitement.  Here is his letter...

"Dear precious son or daughter,
   Mommy & Daddy have been on a long journey to you!  We also know your journey to us has been a miracle as well.  We are so excited to meet you and the loving birth mommy whose selflessness allowed you to come to our arms.  We love you.  It's so strange how our Lord works circumstances, good and bad, to come together and achieve the PERFECT plan for us.  We can't wait to hold you and tell you how much we've prayed for you, talked about you, planned what to do with you, even cried for you.  You have a very brave and strong older brother named Luke.  We will tell you all about him, and one day we will all reunite together in Heaven to worship Jesus.  Your mommy and daddy are eager to see you and until we do, be safe and warm.  Love, Mommy and Daddy"

I know, right?  Are you a puddle on the floor like I was?  I love Justin's heart and I love how excited he is to bring our baby home.  He is an amazing dad already, and will continue to be with our next baby.  I got a 6 1/2 hour glimpse into Justin's heart as a father as he loved and cherished our Luke.  I can't wait to see him with our next son or daughter.

Tonight, our social worker is coming over for our home safety audit and tonight we will turn in all of our home study material.  This is a very exciting step and a huge step closer to meeting our child.  We covet your prayers, friends!  Thank you for your care for us :)  We love you all.

We're Adopting!

As I sit here on my couch and write this blog, it's still crazy to me to see the words "We're Adopting!".  Are we really?!  Is this real life?!  Yes, we are and yes, this is real life.  We are a bit overwhelmed by it all, by all that has to happen beforehand, yet so excited to see what God does and how our family grows.

How did we get to this place?  What made us want to pursue growing our family via adoption?  Let me share :)  Before we started officially trying to have a baby, Justin and I talked about adoption a little bit, but our conversations never really went anywhere past the whole "Well, maybe. We'll see."  If I'm being honest, I figured we'd try adoption is a last resort type of thing.  I wanted "my own" kids first.  I was a little naive.  As the years went by and our infertility struggles continued, I began seeing adoption in a different light.  It was becoming more and more appealing to me.  I think that was the Lord lovingly preparing my heart for what He was going to do in our lives later down the road.  Well, right before we were going to start the adoption process, we found out we were pregnant with our Luke.  So, adoption was tabled.  We didn't revisit it until December of 2015.

Back in December, Justin and I just weren't sure what road to take regarding growing our family.  We knew we had 3 options.  #1: continue trying to get pregnant with medical help.  #2: pursue a child via the foster care system. #3: a full fledged adoption.  We knew almost immediately that we were DONE with the infertility treatments.  It was getting very stressful and calculated.  So, we eliminated #1 and what a burden lifted!  We both felt like a huge weight was lifted off our shoulders.  Next was the foster care route.  Back in December I had written a Christian foster care agency here in Columbus requesting info.  She wrote me back, but somehow I misplaced her email and wrote again and asked for her to re-send it.  A couple weeks went by, and she didn't respond.  I emailed again asking for someone to re-send the info.  She ended up calling me on the phone and I explained how Justin and I were considering a foster-to-adopt situation.  As soon as I said that, it was like she became a different person.  She was rude, she was short with me, her tone completely changed.  I understand that the goal of foster care is reunification between families and children.  But, it was like she wasn't interested in helping us with that, she only wanted couples that would be foster parents only.  Her words to me went like this..."Well, we rarely have situations come up where we do a foster-to-adopt case, and if it does happen it's a 2-3 year process."  Wow, talk about deflating.  Yet at the same time, she completely answered my question....foster-to-adopt was NOT for us.  And the more we thought about it, the less appealing it became.  We had visions of getting a baby/child placed in our home, falling in love with it, and then having it taken away.  We've experienced that.  We didn't want that to happen again.  When I told Justin about my conversation with the foster care lady, he said..."Well, there's my answer!  I've been praying that God would make it clear as to which road we are to go down, and He's done that!  We are going to pursue adoption!"  And just like that, we started our adoption journey.  I'm telling' ya, as soon as we had a plan, I was a different person.  I don't like to be in limbo, not knowing what we're doing.  I'm a planner by nature and when we finally decided what we were going to do, I was so excited.

So, on February 11th, 2016 we turned in our application for adoption to Choice Network Adoptions based here in Columbus.  As of today, we are about 90% done with our home study.  We will be doing a domestic infant adoption.  We are open to any race, gender, and willing to take up to 2 children ranging in ages infant to 4 years.  We are so excited to see who the Lord has hand picked to be Luke's younger brother or sister!

How can you help?  We need prayer!  Pray for us as we walk through this journey.  I know there will be up's and down's.  Pray that we will keep our eyes on Jesus and trust Him completely through this.  Pray for the woman who is carrying our child.  Pray that she will be as healthy as possible, that she will take care of herself.  Pray for our baby :)  That he/she will grow and develop as he/she should, that he/she will be protected and be safe.  Pray for us, that we will be a light in a world that needs God.  That will have a huge impact on our birth mom, her family and all the people we will be in contact with throughout this process.  May we reflect the love of Jesus to this woman who carries our child.  Also, we would love financial help!  As you can imagine, the cost of adoption is very high.  We don't know how we are going to pay for this, but know that if this is what God has for us, He WILL provide each and every dollar along the way!  He's been faithful so far and I have no reason to think that won't continue.  We do have an online donation fund that was started by our dear friend Teresa Sweinsberg.  To donate, you can go to:  https://www.gofundme.com/bsrj73jg

Thank you all for your continued support as we start this very exciting, very challenging, journey.  We can't wait to see all that God has planned for us and what child/children we will be welcoming into our home and our family.  I will update as we go, so stay tuned!  Much Love!

The Day We Buried Luke, 1 Year Later

Luke's 1st birthday came and went.  It was a day that was filled with various emotions.  A day that took me by surprise.  I was doing ok.  It was hard, yes, but we were hanging in there.  We were easily able to reflect on all that God has brought us through this past year.  I was thankful.

Then January 29th came.  The 1 year anniversary of the day we buried Luke.  My emotions this day took me by total surprise.  I thought it would be a day similar to the 1 year mark of Luke's passing, but boy was I wrong.  

It. Was. Hard.  The day was filled with nothing but grief.  I barely got through my shift at Target.  I was holding back the tears constantly.  It felt like my heart was literally breaking in two.  I was overwhelmed with pain and anger and kept thinking to myself..."Lord, why did you make me bury my son?"  I was hurting.  I wanted Luke with me so badly.  

When I got home from work, I knew the best thing for my heart was to sit and spend time in prayer and in the Word.  I sat down, grabbed my Bible, but just stared at it.  I couldn't open it.  I was yet again angry with God and didn't want to hear what He had to say to me.  And then the tears flowed.  I sat on my couch and just cried.  And it was the ugly cry too.  The kind of cry where you can't catch your breath, and snot is dripping from your nose and you wipe it on your sleeve.  After about 20 minutes of this, I decided to head to the cemetery.  

Being that it's January, I could only stand to be outside at the cemetery just a few minutes.  It was so dang cold.  Instead of standing at his grave, I went and sat in my warm car, which is about 15 feet from his grave.  I sat there in silence for a few minutes, just staring at Luke's picture on his headstone.   I just sat.  And then I started to pray.  Out loud.  For the first time in my life, I literally CRIED out to God.  I was yelling in my car.

"I AM TRYING TO TRUST YOU!!  I AM TRYING TO BELIEVE WHAT YOU SAY IS TRUE.  PLEASE HELP MY UNBELIEF.  PLEASE GIVE ME JOY AGAIN.  I AM TRYING TO TRUST YOU!!"

I said a lot more than this, but you get the idea. This went on for about 10 minutes.  After I was done praying, it almost felt like a burden was lifted from my shoulders.  I just had to get it out, audibly.  I had to hear it myself.  I know God knows my heart anyway, so I knew He could take it.  

As the day went on, I could feel the Lord restoring my joy again.  I think it's true that God brings us into the valleys to show us how glorious the hills can be.  It's during those dark, hard, painful times that I'm shown much grace.  And when I'm on the other side of those valleys and reflect on God's faithfulness, it's then that I see how kind and loving He is to see me through the valley of the shadow of death.  Just as God has been faithful to us through this entire journey, I know He will continue to be faithful each and every moment like this.  And they will come again.  Surely they will.  I will miss Luke each and every day of my life, and with that, comes longing and pain.  But, God is good and He will carry us and He will never let us go.  

Lukey, we miss you.  We love you.  You're our first born, our precious little boy.  Yes, mommy and daddy get very sad, but we KNOW you are happy, complete, full, whole, and in the presence of your Creator.  Our separation is temporary.  We can't wait to spend eternity with you.  Your grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins can't wait either!  They all miss you tremendously too.  Hugs and kisses, sweet boy.  

Luke's 1st Birthday

January 16, 2016

The day was quickly approaching.  Much quicker than Justin or I expected.  Yet, at the same time, this first year went by slowly.  It's a weird feeling and hard to explain.  The first year flew by yet crawled along as well.  It was the hardest of years, yet a year of most growth.

As Luke's birthday was getting closer, Justin and I started discussing what we wanted to do to celebrate.  We had no idea what was "typical" for grieving parents to do as they celebrated the birthday's of their children who had passed.  I reached out to a couple friends who had lost children and asked what they typically did.  After a lot of thought, we planned to not make plans.  Our pastor, Lee, told us..."Don't put a lot of pressure on yourselves.  Just enjoy the day, enjoy remembering Luke and reflect on all the Lord has brought you through."  What wise counsel.

So, how did our boy's birthday begin....at Starbucks of course!  We got up, got ready, and went and sat at our local Starbucks with his photo book.  We gazed at each and every picture, remembering each and every moment of the night he was born.  Each face, each friend that was there, each nurse that was on shift that night.  Thankfully, I remember each and every detail of that night.  I prayed that God would keep me alert and that I would't have to be put under for any reason, and He answered.  It was great to sit and look at his photo book and reminisce about those sweet, precious hours we had with him.  After our time at Starbucks, we headed to the cemetery.  First, we stopped at the grocery store and got a "Happy Birthday" balloon to take and attach to his grave.  We cried, we talked about the night he was born, and we sang "Happy Birthday" to him.  We wished more than anything that we could sing to him in person.

 After the cemetery, we went to Riverside Hospital, where he was born.  We were hoping to see this one particular nurse that was with me that night.  Her name was Laura and she was an answer to our prayers.  Unfortunately, she wasn't working that day, but the nurses we did talk to said for us to please come back and try again when she's there; said she would love to see us.  We hope to do that soon!  After our stop at the hospital, we went to an early lunch at Cap City Diner ~ one of our favorite restaurants here in Columbus.  Cap City was the first place we went to eat after we found out I was pregnant.  Unfortunately, nausea hit hard on our way that day back in June of 2014, and I wasn't able to eat a thing.  We thought it would be neat to go back to Cap City and have a birthday meal there in honor of Luke, and be able to enjoy it this time!  And we did enjoy it; it's a fantastic place!  After lunch, we headed home.  Earlier that week, we had ordered a special "pillow" from a lady on Etsy, that makes little pillows in memory of babies who had passed away, and they are the EXACT weight of your child.  Justin had been getting shipping updates, and it was due to arrive on Luke's birthday!  We couldn't wait to hold it.  When we got home from Cap City, it was in our mailbox!  It was perfect.  3 pounds, 6 ounces.  We held it and remembered what it felt like to have Luke in our arms. And what great timing for it to arrive on his birthday :)

To cap off the day, we had a gathering at my sister Beth's house for dinner in honor of Luke.  Earlier that week, Beth asked if it was ok if she planned a get together for Luke's birthday and of course I said yes!  I was so excited.  We had a great evening with close friends and family and a special time of remembering our little boy.  There were tears, of course, but there was also a sweet time of sharing and reflecting on how God has been so faithful through this first year without Luke.  We still question why this happened, and what good will come out of this, but through it all, our eyes are still on Christ.

Justin and I also wanted to start a new tradition each year for Luke's birthday.  We debated about what to do.  Wanted something special and meaningful, but wasn't quite sure what that looked like.  Justin came up with a GREAT idea!  Each year, we are going to buy Luke a birthday card, write in it, and keep them in his keepsake bin.  So, we went to Lifeway, and bought a birthday card.  That was difficult, knowing he would never see it or read it.  But, we knew we would and Lord-willing we would have other children that could read them someday.  We thought it would be neat to go back and read them over the years.  Here is the first one...

So, overall, the day was difficult yet happy at the same time.  I didn't know how I would be emotionally, and thankfully the Lord brought me joy that day.  I didn't expect that.  I thought I would be a mess.  As I was going throughout the day, I kept wishing that I was planning an actual birthday party for my son.  I wished that I could see him smash his first birthday cake all over the place.  But as I reflected on the day....I started wondering about what birthdays are like in Heaven.  I'm sure he had the grandest party of them all!  Way better than I could've pulled off!

My sweet boy, happy birthday!  I can't wait until I can celebrate birthdays with you in Heaven and smash cakes together!  We love you and miss you more and more each day.

Almost A Year

January 11, 2016

It's hard to believe.  Has it really almost been a year since Luke's birth and death?  Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and some days it feels like it was a million years ago.  It's hard to explain.  It's a weird feeling.

Luke's birthday is on Saturday.  Justin and I have discussed a little bit what we want to do that day.  And we aren't quite sure.  We've never lost a child before.  We've never had to celebrate the birthday of a child who is in Heaven.  What should that day look like?  We don't know.  I don't think there is a right or wrong way to celebrate and remember Luke.  Whatever we end up doing, we will think of Luke every second and remember the sweet 6 1/2 hours we had with him.

We will also reflect on how the Lord has carried us this year as we had to face all the "firsts'".  The first Mother's Day, first Father's Day, first birthdays without Luke with us.  All of those moments we dreaded, yet God met us there and gave us the grace to get through each one.

Had things gone my way, I'd be planning Luke's 1st birthday party right now.  I wouldn't be planning what to do on the 1 year mark of his birth and passing.  The grief of that reality has hit hard this week as I've had moments where the tears just flow out of nowhere, and I have to beg God to get me through this week.  And I know He will.

So as we approach this weekend, I'm thankful.  I'm thankful that we've made it this first year.  I'm thankful that we haven't abandoned our faith.  Thankful that the Lord hasn't let us go and He is fighting for my heart.  I need only be still.

Let's Be Honest...

November 10, 2015

The last time I was getting my hair done, my friend Paige said...

"When are you going to blog again?!? You haven't for a while and you should because I love to read your posts".

To be honest, I didn't have any exciting "updates" or any amazing stories to tell, so my laptop has been sitting on our desk collecting dust.  In fact, that's exactly what my life kinda feels like right now.  Like I am sitting around collecting "dust" if you will, while we wait and see what God is going to do next in our lives.  And to be even more honest, I didn't feel like writing anything.  My blog has been centered around our son, so each time I sign onto Blogger, I'm reminded, again, that he's not here and the reason my blog exists is because my son is gone.

As I sat in my friends salon chair and told her...

"But nothing is really happening right now.  What should I write about?"

She said...

"Write about what you're feeling; what's going on with your heart."

Ok.  I'll do that.

I miss Luke.  I HATE that he's not here.  And in reference to the title of my post...I'll be honest, once again.  I'm dreading Thanksgiving.  I'm dreading Christmas.  This would have been Luke's first holiday season.  I walk around Target and see "My First Thanksgiving" outfits, and I hold back tears every time.  I WANT MY SON HERE WITH ME.

Over the past couple months, I've really struggled with anger towards God.  Do I feel that way even today?  Yes.  Since Luke's passing, I've tried really hard to not be angry.  I've really tried to trust the Lord through every single hard moment and every single time I feel like giving up.  But recently, I've just been angry.  Angry that we lost Luke.  Angry that we have struggled SO long to have a child.  Angry that infertility exists.  Angry that our IUI procedure failed last month.  And on and on.

Ok, so how do I combat these emotions?  Be in God's Word.  Pray.  Repeat!  But sometimes I'm so burdened, I don't want to do those things.  I don't feel like reading my Bible.  I don't WANT to pray.  I know in my head what will help me in this battle against anger, but my heart doesn't want it.

Wow.  That was hard to type.  Transparency.  But, I feel like being honest with how I'm coping is better than putting on a happy face and pretending everything is fine.  Everything isn't fine.  Even though almost 10 months has passed since Luke died, it feels like 10 days.  It's still so raw and painful.

For those reading this: pray for me.  And Justin.  Pray that God would continue to draw us to Himself.  That He would help me with my feelings of anger.  That I would look to Him in those moments when it feels like I'm drowning and the hurt overwhelms me.  I just miss my boy.  I want him in my arms more than anything.  Until that day comes, I'll continue to think of him and be thankful for the 6+ hours we had with him.

Genetic Testing

Potter's Syndrome.

When Justin and I first heard those words, we had no clue what that meant.  What does that even mean?  Now we feel like PS experts.  For those of you who aren't as familiar with it, Potter's Syndrome or Potter's Sequence, is a fatal syndrome that affects the kidneys, bladder, and ultimately the lungs.  Around week 13 of pregnancy, the kidneys begin to develop.  Luke's kidneys never did.  From conception up until week 13, the baby is surround by fluid from the mother.  Once the kidneys develop and start working, that fluid around the baby is now that baby's urine.  The kidneys produce urine therefore making up amniotic fluid.  Amniotic fluid is what develops the lungs.  So, without kidneys, there isn't urine/amniotic fluid, which then makes it impossible for the lungs to develop and the baby won't be able to take in enough oxygen once born.  So, what ultimately kills them is the lack of oxygen to their tiny bodies.  It's a sequence of events that lead to a fatal outcome.

Once Justin and I got the news that Luke had this, we started asking more questions...

"Can this happen again?"
"Is this genetic?"
"Can we have another baby someday?"

My doctor was almost certain that this wasn't genetic.  He told us and fully believed that our case was a complete "fluke" and what happened to Luke was an "accident".  But as we and members of our family started doing some research, we did find some cases where PS was in fact genetic with other couples, and they had multiple children with the same syndrome.  I couldn't just let that go.  I couldn't imagine going through something like this again.  If the chances of us having another baby with Potter's was significantly high...it would change our plans regarding having more children.  We decided to pursue genetic counseling and see for sure whether or not Justin or I was a carrier for a certain gene that could cause this to happen again.

The first appointment we had was with a genetic counselor at Riverside Hospital back in March.  She was a very sweet lady named Carolee.  She went through our entire family tree, both sides, asking about each family member and if they had any type of genetic disorder.  She got very detailed.  There's nothing on either side.  During our time with her, I flat out asked her...

"Of the Potter's Syndrome cases you've worked, have they typically been genetic?"

She said, "No."

Ok, well that's encouraging! We left that day somewhat encouraged.

By the end of that appointment, she told us that she'd like for us to go see a genetic doctor at Children's Hospital.  For those of you who know Justin, you know that he has hearing difficulties.  There's was one certain gene that links kidney issues and hearing loss.  It's called BOR.  The more Carolee heard about what Justin has, the more she wanted the higher up doctor to explore this connection.  We got a referral to meet with Dr. Santoro.  A couple months later, we met this doctor and she also went over our family history.  She told us that we will need to do bloodwork and DNA testing because the day Luke was born, they only collected cord blood; not blood from Luke ONLY.  Cord blood is a mixture of the mother's and the baby's DNA.

So, fast forward a couple more months.  We wait and wait to hear back from insurance to determine if genetic testing is covered and approved by our insurance.  We finally hear back that it's covered (praise the Lord!) and Justin can go give his blood to be sent off for testing.

They tell us that the results take 4-6 weeks.  Ugh, really?  We are wanting to try for another baby as soon as we can, and now we have to prevent for the next 4-6 weeks at least.  Weeks 1, 2, 3 come and go with no news.  Week 4 comes and I'm hopeful that they will get the results early.  Week 5, nothing.  Week 6 is here.  It's a Wednesday.  6 weeks to the day that Justin gave his blood.  It's also the same week last year that we found out the devastating news of Luke's condition.  It was a very difficult week reliving those memories and emotions, yet also good to look back and reflect on all that the Lord had walk us through and how He never let us go.

My phone rings, it's Justin, and I'm wondering if that's why he's calling.  I answer it and try to gauge the tone of his voice.  Is he happy?  Does it sound like he's been crying?

"Hey!"
"Hi. So, Dr. Santoro called...."
"Ok....and???"
"Everything came back normal.  Negative for BOR or any other gene!!!"

Oh my, talk about complete and utter relief!  And what perfect timing!  In the midst of a very difficult week, the Lord orchestrated this good news to come right in the middle of that week.  What if the news had been different?  How devastating.  I was not only relieved that we had the green light to try for another baby, but also very relieved that my husband didn't have to go through the emotions of thinking what happened to Luke was his "fault" in any way.  It was in fact a fluke and NOT genetic.  Thank you Lord :)

So, where do we stand now?  We try again.  We try to make Luke a big brother :)

The 6 Month Mark

July 16, 2015 ~ Six Months Since Losing Luke

How is it possible?  Has it really been 6 months since we said hello and goodbye to our sweet boy?  Some days it feels like it's been 6 YEARS.  It's gone fast, yet it's crawled by at the same time.  As each "first" has approached since Luke passed away, this one was almost the hardest for Justin and I.  Yes, Mother's Day was difficult, and so was Father's Day.  And I'm sure Thanksgiving and Christmas will be too.  But for some reason, the 6 month mark was extremely difficult.  Half a year.  He'd be crawling.  He would be sitting up on his own.  He might be teething at this point.  My mind kept going to places and thinking about all that "He would have been's".

But God had other plans.

Rather than focusing on all the things we were missing out on, I tried to focus on ALL that God had taught us during the past 6 months.  All of the ways He had carried us through each and every excruciating moment.  The Lord had indeed carried us, He drew near to us, and He showed us that we can't make it through this life without Him.

About a week before the 6 month mark came, Justin and I thought it would be special to have people gather at his grave for a time of remembrance and reflection on God's goodness.  We knew it would help us and encourage us to hear how God has worked in the lives of others in regards to Luke's death.  So, that's what we did.  We gathered, we shared, we cried, and we gave glory to the One who has walked through the fire right beside us.  Hearing what God had taught those closest to us through this trial was so encouraging to hear.  We know that the Lord intends trials in our lives for our good.  Sometimes we really struggle with..."Where is the good in this?"  Hearing people say things like...

"I pray more."
"I think about Heaven more."
"I know now that no matter what I face in this life, God will carry me through."
"God had drawn me closer to Himself."
"Because of Luke's life, I know someone who has changed their views on abortion."

Wow!  Talk about encouraging!  Our little boy has had an impact on others.  His 6 1/2 hours of life has changed people.  It's the Lord working through it, but if it weren't for Luke's life, these people wouldn't have been touched in this way.

In the days surrounding the 6 months mark, someone, I can't remember who, shared something with me that has really impacted me....

As hard as it is to think about all of the "would have been's", Luke was never supposed to do those things.  He was never meant to crawl.  He was never meant to start teething.  He was never meant to sit up on his own.  Luke's short life was EXACTLY how the Lord intended it to be.  He lived a full and COMPLETE life!  God doesn't make mistakes.  He intended Luke's life to be exactly 6 1/2 hours long.  He intended for him to pass away at 3:39am on January 17, 2015.  And if everything the Lord does is GOOD, then Luke's life was perfect.  My little boy's life was just as God intended it to be.  PERFECT.

Our Trip to San Francisco

It was Christmas Day 2014.  All the gifts had been opened.  All but one.  Justin and I were relaxing on the couch, when all of a sudden, my mom comes walking in the room with one more gift.  A large box with our names on it.

"What's this?" I asked.  

"This is something special for you and Justin.  Start opening it up and we'll explain."

We both looked at each other and wondered what this could possibly be.  "Do you know anything about this?" I asked Justin.  "Nope!" he says.  As we start to open the gifts inside the box, we start to see a theme.  Each individually wrapped gift had something to do with San Francisco.  A mini 49er football. A cable car ornament. A ghiradelli chocolate bar. A SF tour guide book. A 49er lunch bag. an In-N-Out Burger gift card. What's this?  For a split second I thought to myself..."Are they sending us on a trip?"  Then I immediately dismissed the idea because no one in my family could afford to do that!  As we got to the bottom of the box, there was a note card.  I open the envelope, open the card, and out falls a Southwest Airlines gift card and a check written out to us for a substantial amount of money. I immediately burst into tears!  Is this really happening?  Are we really being sent on a vacation?!?!  Yes, we were.  And all of this was caught on video :)  My sisters were video taping on their phones and face timing with Erin from California.  All of them were crying and I had no clue why!  Then it all made sense :)

As we read the card, we couldn't believe what was happening.  Here's how this whole thing started...

Back in September of 2014, when we found out about Luke's condition, there was a secret Facebook group started called "Blessings for the Bays'".  It was created by my sister Erin as a way for people to connect and ask questions about how they can pray for us, how could they help us, etc. At first, someone had an idea to try and collect money and send us on a weekend getaway after Luke was born.  They thought this was a great idea, so my sister started collecting money.  More and more people were joining the group, and more and more money was coming in.  Because of this, a weekend getaway turned into a vacation!  My sisters told me that money was coming in from all over the country.  People we knew and also complete strangers.  Justin and I couldn't believe it.  We were shocked, thrilled, humbled, and felt so completely loved that people would want to do this for us.  So, since September, all of this was going on and we had no idea!  Once we found out about this Facebook group, we got on the secret page and were able to read all of the posts, comments, prayers that had been going on.  It was amazing!  

So, shortly after Luke was born, we started planning this much anticipated trip to California.  Justin had never been to San Francisco, and I hadn't been back for 13 years.  We planned and booked our trip for June 3rd-15th, 2015.  We spent the first two days in my hometown of Fremont, CA.  I showed Justin where I grew up, where I lived, my High School, where I played hundreds of soccer games, my favorite places to hang out....it was so neat to share that with him.  After a couple days in Fremont, we headed to San Franciso.  We spent 4 days there and we had a blast!  We made a list of "must see's" and we got to do each one!  After our time in the city, we rented a car and drove down to see Erin, Jordan and our nieces in southern California.  We spent the remaining time of our vacation with them.  We all went to Palm Springs for 3 days.  It was great!  

This trip was a time for Justin and I to reconnect and gave us something to look forward to after going through such a painful time.  We reflected on how gracious and good the Lord has been to us as we walked through the most difficult time of our lives.  We wished more than anything that our boy could be there with us, but at times we felt like he was :)  So, to all of you who contributed to this special vacation, thank you.  We love you and are so thankful for you all.

Luke's Tree

Saturday, May 16, 2015

About 15 years ago, my in-laws moved to Findlay, Ohio.  Shortly after relocating there from Southern Ohio, my mother-in-law Cheryl got connected with a group of ladies and they became quick friends.  This group of ladies would meet about once a month and gave themselves the name "The JUGS" which stood for "Just Us Girls".  One of the JUGS was their next door neighbor, Missy.  These ladies have become very close and share life with each other, spur one another on towards godliness, and pray for each other.  I'm so glad my mother-in-law has a group of friends like this!

When we found out about Luke's fatal condition, this group was quick to rally around Cheryl, and also reached out to Justin and I.  They let us know how they were constantly praying for us, for Luke, and the whole family.  They were there for Cheryl in this most difficult time, just as close friends should be.

After Luke passed away in January, Justin and I received a note written by Missy (one of the JUGS who lives in Marion, Ohio).  The note stated that this group of ladies wanted to do something special for Luke, for us, and the family.  They thought about sending flowers but knew they would die shortly after receiving them, so they had another idea.  They wanted to purchase a tree and plant it somewhere in his honor.   In his memory.  They thought of my sister and brother-in-law's property in Marion.  They knew the farmhouse and the acres surrounding it would be in the family always.  They didn't want to plant it at my parents house or my in-law's house because they both would most likely not be there for the rest of their lives.  If the houses were ever sold, we wouldn't have access to the tree anymore, and we didn't want that.  With the tree being at the farm, we could enjoy it for years and years to come.  The JUGS wanted Luke's future brothers or sisters and cousins to be able to climb the tree, sit under it, and enjoy it and think of our sweet Luke every time.  What a great idea, huh?!  Justin and I were so touched that they wanted to do this for us.  What a great way to honor of boy.  If Luke was to be like his father in anyway, he would've been a tree climber!  Justin loved to climb things as a child, trees included.

So, as the cold winter months made their way out, and spring entered in, we set up a date to plant the tree.  May 16th ~ what would have been Luke's 4 month birthday.  We all hoped for good weather, but here in central Ohio, that's never a guarantee!  As the day approached, we kept an eye on the weather, and guess what?  Rainy.  Oh well, we wanted to proceed anyway!  A little rain wasn't going to keep us from planting this beautiful red maple tree.

Missy purchased the tree at Oakland Nursery and brought it up to Beth and Andy's farm a couple days before.  The day of the planting, we got to the farm early and picked a good spot for it to go.  Once everyone arrived, we headed outside in our rain boots and holding umbrellas, and began digging!  Justin and Andy started the process.  Others joined in to help dig; my Dad, Ethan, Will, Caleb.  It was a group effort!  The tree was planted successfully and looked beautiful!  Missy suggested putting mulch around the base of the tree, so we did just that.

Justin and I are so excited to watch this beautiful maple tree grow and thrive, just as we dreamed that our son would.  It grow to be very tall, Missy said.  We can't wait to watch Luke's cousins, and his future brothers or sisters, Lord willing, climb his tree and think of him every time.  We can't wait for it to grow big and be able to sit under its shade in the summertime and think of Luke.

To the JUGS, this sweet group of ladies, thank you.  Thank you for thinking of us and for your willingness to honor Luke in this way.  We will enjoy this tree for decades to come.  Each and every time we see it we will think of our son and smile.  We will remember his crooked little smile, his little stink eye, the sweet coo's he made, the way he gripped my finger tightly, the way he gazed into his daddy's eyes, the feel of his velvety soft skin, his wrinkled little feet and hands, his head full of dark wavy hair.  A large tree to my symbolizes strength, and that's exactly what Luke was....strong.  He lived almost 7 hours without kidneys and lungs that did not work.  He's our boy.  Our strong, tough, determined son who fought.  He fought hard.

Luke's Memorial Service

January 30, 2015 ~ Delaware Bible Church

The day of Luke's memorial service, I can remember waking up that morning excited.  I was excited to celebrate my boy's life.  I was excited to show our friends and family the pictures of him.  I was excited to share all that the Lord had done.  But, in the midst of that excitement, I was scared.  I was worried that I wouldn't make it through speaking about my son.  How am I going to stand on that stage and share my thoughts and share the letter I had written to Luke?  I didn't think I was strong enough to do that.  But, I knew I would regret it my whole life if I didn't speak about him and all God had done.

This service was planned by Justin and I.  We had no control over all that happened with Luke and the condition he had, but we DID have control over how we honored him that night.  We took a lot of time carefully planning what songs we wanted sung, what Scripture we wanted read, who would speak and what would they talk about, what Justin and I would share, what we wanted the programs to look like, what keepsakes of Luke's would we have sitting out for people to look at, what desserts we wanted served afterwards, etc.  We took great pride in how Luke was honored and more importantly how God was honored.

My brother-in-law Jordan opened the service by welcoming everyone and sharing how Justin and I took on that very stage 7 years prior as we exchanged wedding vows.  Who knew we'd be back a little over 7 years later for our son's memorial service?  We then sang two songs, led by our friend Andy Scott along with Erin Burchwell on piano and Matt Hawley on violin.  We all sang "Rock of Ages" and "Lord, I Need You".  It was beautiful and they did an amazing job.  After the worship time, Jordan spoke.  He spoke of how Luke's life was both effective and affective.  He did so good and I was so proud to call him my brother. A lot of people told us after that they loved what Jordan shared. After that, we had our family read various Scripture passages that we chose.  Ones that had great meaning to us the months leading up to Luke's birth.

After the Scripture reading, our pastor, Lee Davis, spoke.  He did amazing and so many people commented about how good his message was!  When Lee was done, it was Justin and I's turn to share.  I remember my hands being very sweaty as I was nervous to get up in front of all those people.  But I was excited to talk about my boy.  I shared about all God had done as far as answered prayers goes; specific prayers were answered along the way.  I then read a letter I wrote to Luke.  I had moments where I had to stop and compose myself, but for the most part I thought I did well considering the circumstances.  I could feel God carrying me through that moment.  Justin also shared and did an amazing job!  The whole service is recorded if anyone ever wants to listen to everything!

When the service was over, I can't tell you how many people came up to us and told us what an amazing job we did.  How it "was the best memorial service they'd ever been to" and how it was so honoring and glorifying to the Lord.  That's exactly what we wanted.  We wanted people to walk away feeling like they got to know our boy and at the same time they got to know the Lord and love Him more because of Luke's life.  We also prayed that those who didn't know Christ, would walk away from that night a changed person.  We pray, even now, that someone would come to know the Lord because of Luke.  What an awesome thing that would be!

After the service, we had a coffee and dessert reception.  Our dear friend, Brett Fife, who is the executive chef at Lindey's restaurant here in Columbus, made ALL of the desserts for us!  200 brownies and 200 cookies.  The local Starbucks here in Delaware donated ALL of the coffee when they heard about the service.  Nikki at Starbucks spear headed that effort and we were so thankful for that!  Talk about a burden off of our shoulders.  Everything just went so smoothly.

I hope and pray that the Lord doesn't bring us through the loss of another child.  I don't think I could bear it.  But, even though He allowed us to walk through this fire, we can honestly say that He has been most faithful and most good to us.  Ive seen His hand and His loving care for me, us, more than ever.  I've never loved Justin more than I do now.  I've never had to cling to Jesus more than I have in the last year.  God has been near, has been loving, has been kind, has been faithful.  I pray that the pain of losing Luke lessens, but I pray that the fellowship and sweet times with the Lord never ends.

Luke's Burial

January 29, 2015 ~ Cheshire Cemetery

Laying your child to rest.  Probably the most difficult thing I've had to do in my life thus far.  The thought of putting my child in the ground, six feet down to be exact, terrified me.  I didn't want to do it.  I wanted Luke with me.  I didn't want him in the ground.  But, the day was here and there was no turning back.

As the day approached, we kept a close eye on the weather for that day.  It was forecasted to be cold, wet, and rainy.  The type of weather that's very fitting for a graveside service, right?  Even though the forecast was very fitting for how we were feeling, I was earnestly praying that it would change.  That somehow it wouldn't be raining.  That somehow the freezing rain that was supposed to come, wouldn't.  It wasn't looking good, but we have to proceed anyway.

I woke up that morning and it was cold and gray, but the rain was holding off.  The service was scheduled for 11am, and at around 9am, the rain started.  Perfect.  Not only do I have to bury my son today, but I'm going to have to stand in the rain to do it.  I remember specifically praying that the rain would stop.  At least stop long enough so that we could get through the service semi-dry.

As we made our way to the cemetery, it was lightly sprinkling.  Just barely.  When we arrived at the cemetery, the rain stopped.  Not a drop!  I was silently thanking the Lord for this small blessing.  At least we could get through this service without the rain pelting us.

The ceremony began with Justin carrying Luke's casket to the spot where he would be buried.  Justin dreaded the thought of this and didn't know how he'd make it through that moment.  Mike, the funeral director, opened the back of the vehicle that was carrying Luke's casket.  There he was.  Our tiny, little boy, in a small, white casket with a spray of white roses on top of it.  I had never seen a casket so small.  I wanted to badly to rip the lid off of it, pick him up, and take him home.  We walked over to the car and Justin picked up the casket and held it in his arms.  The tears flowed.  We very carefully walked the casket over to the spot and set it down, then took our seats.  Our pastor, Lee, did an amazing job with the graveside message.  He spoke truth and reminded us again that the grave is not the end.  Just as Lee started talking about the glory of God, something amazing happened.  The morning had been cold and rainy, and RIGHT at 11am the sun came out!!  It came out for maybe 2-3 minutes and was not seen again the rest of the day.  It was as if God was telling us all

"I am here with you.  I'm in this place.  Here is a gentle reminder that in the midst of your tears, I am still King and shining light into your broken hearts."  My sister got our her camera and took a picture of the sun shining through the clouds right over us.  We all looked at each other as if to say "Can you believe it?!"  How kind and loving of the Lord to bring the sunshine just as we started the ceremony.

When it was time for Justin and I to leave, I took a white rose from the arrangement on his casket.  I didn't want to just leave Luke there.  I knew he was in heaven, but leaving his physical body just sitting there, was so difficult.  I put my hand on his casket and said...

"My little boy, I miss you so much and can't wait to see you again.  I promise to come back here and visit often.  I promise to keep this spot looking nice and bring you flowers.  I love you so much."

As Justin and I drove away, I was sobbing.  I kept looking back at his tiny casket sitting there and saying out loud...

"Please be careful with him.  Please lay him down in the ground carefully.  Please be gentle."

I wanted them to be as careful with his body as possible.  I knew they would, but my mommy heart was breaking and I wanted them to be gentle.  As we pulled away and he was no longer in sight, my heart broke into a million pieces.  He was officially laid to rest.

Since Luke's burial, we have gone back many times to visit him.  I'm looking forward to the warm weather when the snow around him melts away and I can sit on the grass without freezing!  I look forward to the trees being bloomed out and being able to sit under the big tree he's buried under and talk to him.  Even though I know he's not there, his body is and it brings me some comfort to be there close to his physical body.  I look forward to the day where I can see him again and there is no longer a need for cemeteries.  No need for headstones.  Until that day comes, I'll continue visiting him and thanking the Lord for his precious, short, meaningful, effective life.  I love you so much, my boy.

We Ushered Him to the Feet of His Savior

January 17, 2015

The night our son passed away was a night that I will never, ever forget.  There was a sense of extreme, intense sadness and at the same time a sense of awe as we watch Luke take his last breath and enter into the safe arms of Jesus.  My sister Beth put it absolutely beautifully...

"We watched him pass from their arms into Christ's. And He didn't have to pry, they willingly gave to their Savior, Luke, their most valuable treasure.  The most precious night, sorrow and heartbreak, joy and hope.  We were truly standing on holy ground, there in that hospital room."

Watching my son pass away was the most painful thing I've ever had to do.  Everything in me ached to reach inside him and revive him.  To fix what was wrong.  To somehow create two functioning kidneys.  To somehow breathe life into his lungs that didn't work.  Yet at that moment, I felt the Lord carrying me.  It was like I could hear Him say to me...

"My daughter, your precious boy is with me at this very moment.  He is whole and alive and feels no pain.  He feels nothing but complete joy."

The moments after we got confirmation that Luke's heart was no longer beating, I felt peace.  Not peace in a way that made me feel joy, but peace that surpassed my understanding.  Peace that told me it's ok.  I knew without a doubt that Luke was with my Savior and that brought me joy.  Believe me, I wanted Luke with us more than anything else, but God gave me a supernatural joy that night that allowed me to willingly hand him over.  As I stared into Luke's face after he passed, it amazed me to know that the same eyes that were just staring at me, were now staring into the face of Jesus.  Just like that.  No passage of time, no in-between waiting time, immediately in the presence of Christ.  Amazing!

For the first time in my life, I truly longed for Heaven.  As a Christian, I would occasionally think about Heaven.  If I were completely honest, it was something that scared me a little bit.  But as I laid there with Luke on my chest, I longed for Heaven in a new way.  I long to be rid of this world of sin.  I long to be rid of this daily battle with sin.  I long to be with the Lord and to spend eternity with Him.  I long to be with my son again.

Justin and I made an agreement in the weeks leading up to Luke's birth.  We promised that as long as Luke was alive, he wouldn't leave our arms.  He would either be in mine, Justin's, or the nurses arms. For the 6 1/2 hours he was alive, that's what happened.  We never let him go.  We held him his whole life.  As soon as he did pass away, we then let our family and friends hold him.  He was passed around the room by his father.  Justin wanted to be the one who handed him to each family member, each friend.  I loved seeing the joy on people's faces as they held our boy.  It was beautiful and heartbreaking to watch all at the same time.  Each person took a turn.  Each person had tears in their eyes.  Each person gazed into Luke's face, this little boy they had all prayed so much for.  A little boy that has changed my life forever.  I'll never be the same.

The Night Our Son Was Born

January 16, 2015

The day was scheduled.  The time of day was set.  Lucas Kent was going to be born on the 19th of January at 3:30pm.  Well, things didn't quite happen that way.  Luke and the Lord had other plans!  Here is what happened the day our son was born...

Cramps.  Bad, painful, strong cramps started to take over my body a few days leading up to Luke's birth.  Some kept me up at night, and some were just more of an annoyance.  Some hurt a lot more than others.  It was a Friday.  I had plans to have brunch with my friend Holly at Scramblers.  We met there at 10am, and the whole time we hung out I was having very strong cramps, which were actually real contractions but I didn't realize it.  We finished eating and I headed home, all while suffering through these pains.  I got home and decided I'd try to lay down and take a nap.  I hardly slept the night before due to being in a lot of pain, so I was pretty tired.  Well, as I was trying to sleep, the pain kept getting worse.  So much so that I would have to get up and walk around and breathe through them.  Still having no clue I was actually in labor.  I went to the bathroom and things seemed different "down there".  I called Justin right away to let him know.  He had just left for work.  I also called my mom asking her what I should do.  They both said to call my doctor right away and see what he said. I talked to the nurse, describing everything that I had been feeling for the past day or so.  She said...

"If your symptoms stay the same or get ANY worse, come to the hospital!"

So, I monitored myself for the next hour or so.  My mom came over to be with me as I was starting to panic a little.  I was afraid of what was happening, afraid for Luke's safety.  The pain was getting worse, so we decided it was time to head to the hospital.  I called Justin and told him to hurry home.  I started packing my bag all while taking breaks to breathe through these painful cramps.  Justin got home and packed his bag as well, just in case they admitted me.  The three of us headed to the hospital.  Mom was calling people, texting people, letting them know what was going on.

"I'll keep you posted.  Will call when we know something."

On our way to Riverside, I was having contractions that took my breath away.  From the back seat mom would say...

"Breathe Katie, don't forget to breathe."

We got to the hospital and was put in a triage room.  I described what was happening and what I was feeling.  I made sure they understand our situation with Luke.  They knew.  As I was in triage, the pain intensified.  I was having contractions every  6-7 minutes.  I was squeezing the life out of Justin's hand, the poor guy.  It really hurt.  I was in tears at this point.  An hour went by before the doctor came in check my cervix, to see if I had dialted at all.  She's checking me, which hurt like crazy, and had a surprised look on her face.  She says...

"You're 5cm dialted!"

What?!  I'm in active labor right now??  Then Justin asks...

"So, does that mean he's going to be born later tonight sometime?"  The doctor says...

"No, he'll be born within the hour."

Oh my gosh.  I can hardly breathe.  We were scheduled for a C-Section three days from now.  My sister was due to fly in tomorrow night.  She's going to miss his birth.  I was devastated she'd miss it.  She wouldn't get a chance to hold him.  The tears started to flow.  I was terrified and excited all at the same time.  My sister Beth happened to be in the room with us when we found out he was on his way.  She said to us...

"It's ok.  God knew this was going to happen.  He's not surprised, it's ok.  You'll be ok."

Our boy was going to be born within the hour.  Oh my goodness, we're going to see him soon.  I started to pray..."Oh Lord, please protect Luke.  Keep him safe.  Give him time with us, please."

Before we knew it, our room was flooded with nurses.  One was drawing my blood, one was trying to get my IV started.  My pesky veins weren't cooperating.  Finally, a nurse, Laura Gilbert, got my IV in.  This nurse, Laura, was a God-send.  She was the sweetest, most caring, loving nurse.  She was an answer to prayer.  She calmed my nerves and assured me I was in great hands.  I loved her.  Before too long, we were all ready to head to the operating room.

As we headed to the OR and even while I was in there waiting for Justin to come in, I remember feeling completely at peace.  So many people prayed for that specifically; that God would overwhelm me with the peace that only He can give.  He did just that.  I was nervous, but not scared at all.  I couldn't wait to see my son.  I couldn't wait to kiss his little face.  The surgery began, and before long, they lifted Luke from my belly and took him over to the warmer.  He wasn't crying.  I didn't know this at first, but his heart rate was very low.  They didn't waste too much time, and Justin brought him right over to me.  The nurse told him it may not be long .

He was the most precious thing I'd ever seen.  He wasn't crying much, but he was making the cutest coo's and whimpers.  He was beautiful.  It was the best moment of my life, seeing him for the first time.  They took him back to the warmer and checked his heart rate again.  It had gone back up!  He was doing better.  His coloring was better.  He was more pink than blue.  Thank you Lord, for sustaining him thus far.  He was more stable at this point, so they wrapped him up more tightly, put a cute hat on him and all.

Lucas Kent Bays was born on January 16, 2015 at 8:57pm.  He weighed 3 pounds 6 ounces and was 13 1/2 inches long.  Our little peanut. The answer to our prayers.  Our little boy.  The most precious thing I'd ever seen.  The hours that unfolded after his birth were nothing short of a miracle.  He was with us for 6 1/2 glorious hours.  We thought we'd have around 2 hours with him.  God gave us 6 1/2.  I will share more details about those hours in my next post.  God was with us in a way that is almost impossible to describe.  We love and miss our son more than words can say.  We are so proud of him. He is now with his Creator, full and complete, healthy, and strong with both kidneys and lungs that work perfectly.  We love you Luke, so much.

A Cemetery, A Plot, and a Boy Named Noah

Going to the cemetery where we were planning to bury our son was another dreaded task that was before us.  I thought the funeral home visit was hard...ha!  This was just as difficult if not MORE difficult.  The place where his body would be placed.  The place we would have his burial service.  We really didn't want to do this.

As we pulled into Cheshire Cemetery, we met a man there named Larry.  We had no clue how this process worked.  So we just asked him...

"So do we just drive around and pick a spot?"
"Yep, when you find a spot you like, come get me and I'll look at it and see if it's available."

Ok, so he made it sound so easy.  Just look over these 80+ acres of land and pick a spot.  Hmmm.  It seemed daunting, but ok, whatever you say.  We started driving and just made the first left turn we came to.  We had somewhat of an idea of where we wanted to bury Luke.  Under a tree.  A big, beautiful tree so that we could sit under it in the Spring and Summer when we came to visit him.  A big tree that would drop colorful leaves in the Fall.  As we drove down this first driveway, we came to a spot at the end of that drive that looked like a good place.  It wasn't too crowded with headstones, it was by a big tree.  We got out of the car and looked at it closer.  My mom was with us, so she looked at the spot too.  As we got closer, my mom noticed something about the grave right next to the spot we were looking at.  She says...

"Oh wow, look.  There's another little boy buried right here.  He was about 2 weeks old."

We looked closer at the headstone.  It was another baby.  A little boy named Noah.  For some reason, the idea of Luke being buried next to another little boy brought us some comfort.  We wondered what happened to this little boy.  Were his parents grieving like we were?  Maybe we would meet this family one day as we visited our sons.  We decided this was the place we wanted.  We went and got Larry and took him to this grave and asked if it was available.  It was!  We reserved the plot site.

When we got home, Justin decided to look online and see if he could find more info on this boy Noah.  He looked up the last name on Facebook in hopes to maybe find his parents.  We found a woman with the same last name, that was in the area.  Come to find out, Justin had 8 mutual friends with this lady.  Wow, that's ironic.  Could this be Noah's mother?  One of the mutual friends was our photographer, Anne Marie, who ended up photographing Luke's birth.  Wow!  I texted Anne Marie right away asking if she knew this woman.  She called me right back and asked how in the world I knew this lady.  I said....

"Justin and I were just at the cemetery and came across a grave of a little boy...." and before I could even finish my sentence she says...

"Oh my word, did you find Noah's grave???"

Goosebumps.  Could this be?  Turns out yes, we had mutual friends with this family who lost their little boy 3 years ago!  Noah and Luke were connected.  Turns out, Noah's mother is close friends with our photographer and several others at Worthington Christian, where Justin works.  We were blown away.  What are the chances that we would not only pick a spot next to another baby boy, but come to find out several of our friends KNOW this family personally!  God was so good to connect us with this family.  It brought us comfort knowing this.  After such a difficult morning picking out a gravesite, God saw fit to allow this amazing thing to happen.  The story then got more interesting....

Back in September when we found out about Luke's condition, Justin went out to lunch with his boss and co-worker.  They went to Chili Verde.  When they were done eating, Justin's boss Kevin went to talk to someone he knew who worked in the back of the restaurant.  He told Justin that the guy he was saying hello to had also lost a baby boy a few years back.  Kevin shared our story with this man. Kevin said the man broke down and wept because the emotions were still very raw from losing his son.  He told Kevin to tell Justin that he would be praying for us, for our family.  Come to find out, this man at Chili Verde was Noah's father.

Amazing, isn't it?  On a day that brought so much sadness, the Lord saw fit to connect two families through the loss of their little boys.  We haven't met this family face to face yet, but we hope to soon. We share a common bond.  We lost our boys.  Our precious sons.  I remember thanking God that night for allowing this to happen.  God is indeed involved in all the small details of our lives.  He orchestrates everything just perfectly.  Since that day, I have prayed for this family.  I've prayed for their hearts as they grieve the loss of Noah.  Even though it's been several years, I'm sure the pain is still just as strong as the day they lost him.

As I sit here and write this, I think about Noah and Luke running through the fields of heaven together.  Playing together.  Sitting at the feet of Jesus together.  Worshipping their Creator together.  Forever.

Funeral Home Visit

December 9, 2014

Funeral home.  Just the words alone are depressing.  A place that is nothing but sadness.  Nothing happy ever comes from a funeral home.  This was the day we had been dreading almost more than any other day.  The day we had to go to Snyder-Rodman funeral home and plan the burial of our little boy.  Still, just saying those words makes me want to weep.  To say we were dreading this day would be the understatement of the century.

It was a Tuesday.  Our appointment was at 9am.  I remember waking up several times during the night and begging God for there to be another way for us to do this; to plan Luke's burial.  I did not want to go to this place. We came very close to canceling the appointment due to fear.  I was so scared to even step foot in the building.  But, like other difficult things we've had to check off our list, I knew we had to do this.  It was our duty as his parents to do this.  To honor him and make it the absolute best we could.  For him.

Getting ready that morning, I remember thinking..."I'm doing ok.  I think I can do this."  As we drove to the funeral home and as we got closer and closer, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.  I could feel my heart start to thud harder and harder against my chest.  We parked the car, and off to my right, I could see headstones.  That's when I lost it.  The tears came and came and I cried out to Justin..."I don't want to go in there!  I can't do this!"  He grabbed my hands and he immediately started to pray.  He begged God to give us the strength to make it through the appointment....to give us overwhelming peace....asked God to meet us there and to carry us through.  After we prayed, it was time to go in.  Thankfully we had support there with us that day.  Justin's parents, my mom, my sisters Beth and Megan and our pastor, Lee.

We were introduced to Mike Neeper, the funeral home director.  He couldn't have been any more kind and thoughtful.  He asked us all about our families, all about Luke.  We went over everything involving Luke's burial and what that day would be like.  It was extremely difficult, but it had to be done.  He reassured us that Luke would be very well taken care of.  He would dress him in whatever we wanted him dressed in.  As his mommy, I wanted to know that he would be gentle with him.  Even though I knew he wouldn't be alive once in Mike's care, I still wanted to make sure that he would be loved.  That Mike would be careful with him.  He assured me he would.  That made my heart feel better.  At the end of the appointment, Mike told us that he was waiving ALL charges for the services the funeral home would provide except for the cost of Luke's tiny casket.  What kindness!  What would have easily been thousands of dollars, he's only charging us $200.

As we were walking out of the funeral home, I looked at Justin and said..."We made it.  We did it.  And I feel so at peace."  My sister Beth said..."Don't you feel as if Jesus was literally carrying us through that appointment?"  She was so right.  He did just that.  What seemed and felt like a huge burden, was done and we were ok.  God met us exactly when we needed Him to and gave us the grace for that moment right when we needed it most.  There will be more difficult things we will be facing as the time gets closer to Luke's arrival, but we know that the Lord will meet us there too.  He will give us the grace for those moments.  We trust Him completely.  Always.