November 10, 2015
The last time I was getting my hair done, my friend Paige said...
"When are you going to blog again?!? You haven't for a while and you should because I love to read your posts".
To be honest, I didn't have any exciting "updates" or any amazing stories to tell, so my laptop has been sitting on our desk collecting dust. In fact, that's exactly what my life kinda feels like right now. Like I am sitting around collecting "dust" if you will, while we wait and see what God is going to do next in our lives. And to be even more honest, I didn't feel like writing anything. My blog has been centered around our son, so each time I sign onto Blogger, I'm reminded, again, that he's not here and the reason my blog exists is because my son is gone.
As I sat in my friends salon chair and told her...
"But nothing is really happening right now. What should I write about?"
She said...
"Write about what you're feeling; what's going on with your heart."
Ok. I'll do that.
I miss Luke. I HATE that he's not here. And in reference to the title of my post...I'll be honest, once again. I'm dreading Thanksgiving. I'm dreading Christmas. This would have been Luke's first holiday season. I walk around Target and see "My First Thanksgiving" outfits, and I hold back tears every time. I WANT MY SON HERE WITH ME.
Over the past couple months, I've really struggled with anger towards God. Do I feel that way even today? Yes. Since Luke's passing, I've tried really hard to not be angry. I've really tried to trust the Lord through every single hard moment and every single time I feel like giving up. But recently, I've just been angry. Angry that we lost Luke. Angry that we have struggled SO long to have a child. Angry that infertility exists. Angry that our IUI procedure failed last month. And on and on.
Ok, so how do I combat these emotions? Be in God's Word. Pray. Repeat! But sometimes I'm so burdened, I don't want to do those things. I don't feel like reading my Bible. I don't WANT to pray. I know in my head what will help me in this battle against anger, but my heart doesn't want it.
Wow. That was hard to type. Transparency. But, I feel like being honest with how I'm coping is better than putting on a happy face and pretending everything is fine. Everything isn't fine. Even though almost 10 months has passed since Luke died, it feels like 10 days. It's still so raw and painful.
For those reading this: pray for me. And Justin. Pray that God would continue to draw us to Himself. That He would help me with my feelings of anger. That I would look to Him in those moments when it feels like I'm drowning and the hurt overwhelms me. I just miss my boy. I want him in my arms more than anything. Until that day comes, I'll continue to think of him and be thankful for the 6+ hours we had with him.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Genetic Testing
Potter's Syndrome.
When Justin and I first heard those words, we had no clue what that meant. What does that even mean? Now we feel like PS experts. For those of you who aren't as familiar with it, Potter's Syndrome or Potter's Sequence, is a fatal syndrome that affects the kidneys, bladder, and ultimately the lungs. Around week 13 of pregnancy, the kidneys begin to develop. Luke's kidneys never did. From conception up until week 13, the baby is surround by fluid from the mother. Once the kidneys develop and start working, that fluid around the baby is now that baby's urine. The kidneys produce urine therefore making up amniotic fluid. Amniotic fluid is what develops the lungs. So, without kidneys, there isn't urine/amniotic fluid, which then makes it impossible for the lungs to develop and the baby won't be able to take in enough oxygen once born. So, what ultimately kills them is the lack of oxygen to their tiny bodies. It's a sequence of events that lead to a fatal outcome.
Once Justin and I got the news that Luke had this, we started asking more questions...
"Can this happen again?"
"Is this genetic?"
"Can we have another baby someday?"
My doctor was almost certain that this wasn't genetic. He told us and fully believed that our case was a complete "fluke" and what happened to Luke was an "accident". But as we and members of our family started doing some research, we did find some cases where PS was in fact genetic with other couples, and they had multiple children with the same syndrome. I couldn't just let that go. I couldn't imagine going through something like this again. If the chances of us having another baby with Potter's was significantly high...it would change our plans regarding having more children. We decided to pursue genetic counseling and see for sure whether or not Justin or I was a carrier for a certain gene that could cause this to happen again.
The first appointment we had was with a genetic counselor at Riverside Hospital back in March. She was a very sweet lady named Carolee. She went through our entire family tree, both sides, asking about each family member and if they had any type of genetic disorder. She got very detailed. There's nothing on either side. During our time with her, I flat out asked her...
"Of the Potter's Syndrome cases you've worked, have they typically been genetic?"
She said, "No."
Ok, well that's encouraging! We left that day somewhat encouraged.
By the end of that appointment, she told us that she'd like for us to go see a genetic doctor at Children's Hospital. For those of you who know Justin, you know that he has hearing difficulties. There's was one certain gene that links kidney issues and hearing loss. It's called BOR. The more Carolee heard about what Justin has, the more she wanted the higher up doctor to explore this connection. We got a referral to meet with Dr. Santoro. A couple months later, we met this doctor and she also went over our family history. She told us that we will need to do bloodwork and DNA testing because the day Luke was born, they only collected cord blood; not blood from Luke ONLY. Cord blood is a mixture of the mother's and the baby's DNA.
So, fast forward a couple more months. We wait and wait to hear back from insurance to determine if genetic testing is covered and approved by our insurance. We finally hear back that it's covered (praise the Lord!) and Justin can go give his blood to be sent off for testing.
They tell us that the results take 4-6 weeks. Ugh, really? We are wanting to try for another baby as soon as we can, and now we have to prevent for the next 4-6 weeks at least. Weeks 1, 2, 3 come and go with no news. Week 4 comes and I'm hopeful that they will get the results early. Week 5, nothing. Week 6 is here. It's a Wednesday. 6 weeks to the day that Justin gave his blood. It's also the same week last year that we found out the devastating news of Luke's condition. It was a very difficult week reliving those memories and emotions, yet also good to look back and reflect on all that the Lord had walk us through and how He never let us go.
My phone rings, it's Justin, and I'm wondering if that's why he's calling. I answer it and try to gauge the tone of his voice. Is he happy? Does it sound like he's been crying?
"Hey!"
"Hi. So, Dr. Santoro called...."
"Ok....and???"
"Everything came back normal. Negative for BOR or any other gene!!!"
Oh my, talk about complete and utter relief! And what perfect timing! In the midst of a very difficult week, the Lord orchestrated this good news to come right in the middle of that week. What if the news had been different? How devastating. I was not only relieved that we had the green light to try for another baby, but also very relieved that my husband didn't have to go through the emotions of thinking what happened to Luke was his "fault" in any way. It was in fact a fluke and NOT genetic. Thank you Lord :)
So, where do we stand now? We try again. We try to make Luke a big brother :)
When Justin and I first heard those words, we had no clue what that meant. What does that even mean? Now we feel like PS experts. For those of you who aren't as familiar with it, Potter's Syndrome or Potter's Sequence, is a fatal syndrome that affects the kidneys, bladder, and ultimately the lungs. Around week 13 of pregnancy, the kidneys begin to develop. Luke's kidneys never did. From conception up until week 13, the baby is surround by fluid from the mother. Once the kidneys develop and start working, that fluid around the baby is now that baby's urine. The kidneys produce urine therefore making up amniotic fluid. Amniotic fluid is what develops the lungs. So, without kidneys, there isn't urine/amniotic fluid, which then makes it impossible for the lungs to develop and the baby won't be able to take in enough oxygen once born. So, what ultimately kills them is the lack of oxygen to their tiny bodies. It's a sequence of events that lead to a fatal outcome.
Once Justin and I got the news that Luke had this, we started asking more questions...
"Can this happen again?"
"Is this genetic?"
"Can we have another baby someday?"
My doctor was almost certain that this wasn't genetic. He told us and fully believed that our case was a complete "fluke" and what happened to Luke was an "accident". But as we and members of our family started doing some research, we did find some cases where PS was in fact genetic with other couples, and they had multiple children with the same syndrome. I couldn't just let that go. I couldn't imagine going through something like this again. If the chances of us having another baby with Potter's was significantly high...it would change our plans regarding having more children. We decided to pursue genetic counseling and see for sure whether or not Justin or I was a carrier for a certain gene that could cause this to happen again.
The first appointment we had was with a genetic counselor at Riverside Hospital back in March. She was a very sweet lady named Carolee. She went through our entire family tree, both sides, asking about each family member and if they had any type of genetic disorder. She got very detailed. There's nothing on either side. During our time with her, I flat out asked her...
"Of the Potter's Syndrome cases you've worked, have they typically been genetic?"
She said, "No."
Ok, well that's encouraging! We left that day somewhat encouraged.
By the end of that appointment, she told us that she'd like for us to go see a genetic doctor at Children's Hospital. For those of you who know Justin, you know that he has hearing difficulties. There's was one certain gene that links kidney issues and hearing loss. It's called BOR. The more Carolee heard about what Justin has, the more she wanted the higher up doctor to explore this connection. We got a referral to meet with Dr. Santoro. A couple months later, we met this doctor and she also went over our family history. She told us that we will need to do bloodwork and DNA testing because the day Luke was born, they only collected cord blood; not blood from Luke ONLY. Cord blood is a mixture of the mother's and the baby's DNA.
So, fast forward a couple more months. We wait and wait to hear back from insurance to determine if genetic testing is covered and approved by our insurance. We finally hear back that it's covered (praise the Lord!) and Justin can go give his blood to be sent off for testing.
They tell us that the results take 4-6 weeks. Ugh, really? We are wanting to try for another baby as soon as we can, and now we have to prevent for the next 4-6 weeks at least. Weeks 1, 2, 3 come and go with no news. Week 4 comes and I'm hopeful that they will get the results early. Week 5, nothing. Week 6 is here. It's a Wednesday. 6 weeks to the day that Justin gave his blood. It's also the same week last year that we found out the devastating news of Luke's condition. It was a very difficult week reliving those memories and emotions, yet also good to look back and reflect on all that the Lord had walk us through and how He never let us go.
My phone rings, it's Justin, and I'm wondering if that's why he's calling. I answer it and try to gauge the tone of his voice. Is he happy? Does it sound like he's been crying?
"Hey!"
"Hi. So, Dr. Santoro called...."
"Ok....and???"
"Everything came back normal. Negative for BOR or any other gene!!!"
Oh my, talk about complete and utter relief! And what perfect timing! In the midst of a very difficult week, the Lord orchestrated this good news to come right in the middle of that week. What if the news had been different? How devastating. I was not only relieved that we had the green light to try for another baby, but also very relieved that my husband didn't have to go through the emotions of thinking what happened to Luke was his "fault" in any way. It was in fact a fluke and NOT genetic. Thank you Lord :)
So, where do we stand now? We try again. We try to make Luke a big brother :)
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
The 6 Month Mark
July 16, 2015 ~ Six Months Since Losing Luke
How is it possible? Has it really been 6 months since we said hello and goodbye to our sweet boy? Some days it feels like it's been 6 YEARS. It's gone fast, yet it's crawled by at the same time. As each "first" has approached since Luke passed away, this one was almost the hardest for Justin and I. Yes, Mother's Day was difficult, and so was Father's Day. And I'm sure Thanksgiving and Christmas will be too. But for some reason, the 6 month mark was extremely difficult. Half a year. He'd be crawling. He would be sitting up on his own. He might be teething at this point. My mind kept going to places and thinking about all that "He would have been's".
But God had other plans.
Rather than focusing on all the things we were missing out on, I tried to focus on ALL that God had taught us during the past 6 months. All of the ways He had carried us through each and every excruciating moment. The Lord had indeed carried us, He drew near to us, and He showed us that we can't make it through this life without Him.
About a week before the 6 month mark came, Justin and I thought it would be special to have people gather at his grave for a time of remembrance and reflection on God's goodness. We knew it would help us and encourage us to hear how God has worked in the lives of others in regards to Luke's death. So, that's what we did. We gathered, we shared, we cried, and we gave glory to the One who has walked through the fire right beside us. Hearing what God had taught those closest to us through this trial was so encouraging to hear. We know that the Lord intends trials in our lives for our good. Sometimes we really struggle with..."Where is the good in this?" Hearing people say things like...
"I pray more."
"I think about Heaven more."
"I know now that no matter what I face in this life, God will carry me through."
"God had drawn me closer to Himself."
"Because of Luke's life, I know someone who has changed their views on abortion."
Wow! Talk about encouraging! Our little boy has had an impact on others. His 6 1/2 hours of life has changed people. It's the Lord working through it, but if it weren't for Luke's life, these people wouldn't have been touched in this way.
In the days surrounding the 6 months mark, someone, I can't remember who, shared something with me that has really impacted me....
As hard as it is to think about all of the "would have been's", Luke was never supposed to do those things. He was never meant to crawl. He was never meant to start teething. He was never meant to sit up on his own. Luke's short life was EXACTLY how the Lord intended it to be. He lived a full and COMPLETE life! God doesn't make mistakes. He intended Luke's life to be exactly 6 1/2 hours long. He intended for him to pass away at 3:39am on January 17, 2015. And if everything the Lord does is GOOD, then Luke's life was perfect. My little boy's life was just as God intended it to be. PERFECT.
How is it possible? Has it really been 6 months since we said hello and goodbye to our sweet boy? Some days it feels like it's been 6 YEARS. It's gone fast, yet it's crawled by at the same time. As each "first" has approached since Luke passed away, this one was almost the hardest for Justin and I. Yes, Mother's Day was difficult, and so was Father's Day. And I'm sure Thanksgiving and Christmas will be too. But for some reason, the 6 month mark was extremely difficult. Half a year. He'd be crawling. He would be sitting up on his own. He might be teething at this point. My mind kept going to places and thinking about all that "He would have been's".
But God had other plans.
Rather than focusing on all the things we were missing out on, I tried to focus on ALL that God had taught us during the past 6 months. All of the ways He had carried us through each and every excruciating moment. The Lord had indeed carried us, He drew near to us, and He showed us that we can't make it through this life without Him.
About a week before the 6 month mark came, Justin and I thought it would be special to have people gather at his grave for a time of remembrance and reflection on God's goodness. We knew it would help us and encourage us to hear how God has worked in the lives of others in regards to Luke's death. So, that's what we did. We gathered, we shared, we cried, and we gave glory to the One who has walked through the fire right beside us. Hearing what God had taught those closest to us through this trial was so encouraging to hear. We know that the Lord intends trials in our lives for our good. Sometimes we really struggle with..."Where is the good in this?" Hearing people say things like...
"I pray more."
"I think about Heaven more."
"I know now that no matter what I face in this life, God will carry me through."
"God had drawn me closer to Himself."
"Because of Luke's life, I know someone who has changed their views on abortion."
Wow! Talk about encouraging! Our little boy has had an impact on others. His 6 1/2 hours of life has changed people. It's the Lord working through it, but if it weren't for Luke's life, these people wouldn't have been touched in this way.
In the days surrounding the 6 months mark, someone, I can't remember who, shared something with me that has really impacted me....
As hard as it is to think about all of the "would have been's", Luke was never supposed to do those things. He was never meant to crawl. He was never meant to start teething. He was never meant to sit up on his own. Luke's short life was EXACTLY how the Lord intended it to be. He lived a full and COMPLETE life! God doesn't make mistakes. He intended Luke's life to be exactly 6 1/2 hours long. He intended for him to pass away at 3:39am on January 17, 2015. And if everything the Lord does is GOOD, then Luke's life was perfect. My little boy's life was just as God intended it to be. PERFECT.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Our Trip to San Francisco
It was Christmas Day 2014. All the gifts had been opened. All but one. Justin and I were relaxing on the couch, when all of a sudden, my mom comes walking in the room with one more gift. A large box with our names on it.
"What's this?" I asked.
"This is something special for you and Justin. Start opening it up and we'll explain."
We both looked at each other and wondered what this could possibly be. "Do you know anything about this?" I asked Justin. "Nope!" he says. As we start to open the gifts inside the box, we start to see a theme. Each individually wrapped gift had something to do with San Francisco. A mini 49er football. A cable car ornament. A ghiradelli chocolate bar. A SF tour guide book. A 49er lunch bag. an In-N-Out Burger gift card. What's this? For a split second I thought to myself..."Are they sending us on a trip?" Then I immediately dismissed the idea because no one in my family could afford to do that! As we got to the bottom of the box, there was a note card. I open the envelope, open the card, and out falls a Southwest Airlines gift card and a check written out to us for a substantial amount of money. I immediately burst into tears! Is this really happening? Are we really being sent on a vacation?!?! Yes, we were. And all of this was caught on video :) My sisters were video taping on their phones and face timing with Erin from California. All of them were crying and I had no clue why! Then it all made sense :)
As we read the card, we couldn't believe what was happening. Here's how this whole thing started...
Back in September of 2014, when we found out about Luke's condition, there was a secret Facebook group started called "Blessings for the Bays'". It was created by my sister Erin as a way for people to connect and ask questions about how they can pray for us, how could they help us, etc. At first, someone had an idea to try and collect money and send us on a weekend getaway after Luke was born. They thought this was a great idea, so my sister started collecting money. More and more people were joining the group, and more and more money was coming in. Because of this, a weekend getaway turned into a vacation! My sisters told me that money was coming in from all over the country. People we knew and also complete strangers. Justin and I couldn't believe it. We were shocked, thrilled, humbled, and felt so completely loved that people would want to do this for us. So, since September, all of this was going on and we had no idea! Once we found out about this Facebook group, we got on the secret page and were able to read all of the posts, comments, prayers that had been going on. It was amazing!
So, shortly after Luke was born, we started planning this much anticipated trip to California. Justin had never been to San Francisco, and I hadn't been back for 13 years. We planned and booked our trip for June 3rd-15th, 2015. We spent the first two days in my hometown of Fremont, CA. I showed Justin where I grew up, where I lived, my High School, where I played hundreds of soccer games, my favorite places to hang out....it was so neat to share that with him. After a couple days in Fremont, we headed to San Franciso. We spent 4 days there and we had a blast! We made a list of "must see's" and we got to do each one! After our time in the city, we rented a car and drove down to see Erin, Jordan and our nieces in southern California. We spent the remaining time of our vacation with them. We all went to Palm Springs for 3 days. It was great!
This trip was a time for Justin and I to reconnect and gave us something to look forward to after going through such a painful time. We reflected on how gracious and good the Lord has been to us as we walked through the most difficult time of our lives. We wished more than anything that our boy could be there with us, but at times we felt like he was :) So, to all of you who contributed to this special vacation, thank you. We love you and are so thankful for you all.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Luke's Tree
Saturday, May 16, 2015
About 15 years ago, my in-laws moved to Findlay, Ohio. Shortly after relocating there from Southern Ohio, my mother-in-law Cheryl got connected with a group of ladies and they became quick friends. This group of ladies would meet about once a month and gave themselves the name "The JUGS" which stood for "Just Us Girls". One of the JUGS was their next door neighbor, Missy. These ladies have become very close and share life with each other, spur one another on towards godliness, and pray for each other. I'm so glad my mother-in-law has a group of friends like this!
When we found out about Luke's fatal condition, this group was quick to rally around Cheryl, and also reached out to Justin and I. They let us know how they were constantly praying for us, for Luke, and the whole family. They were there for Cheryl in this most difficult time, just as close friends should be.
After Luke passed away in January, Justin and I received a note written by Missy (one of the JUGS who lives in Marion, Ohio). The note stated that this group of ladies wanted to do something special for Luke, for us, and the family. They thought about sending flowers but knew they would die shortly after receiving them, so they had another idea. They wanted to purchase a tree and plant it somewhere in his honor. In his memory. They thought of my sister and brother-in-law's property in Marion. They knew the farmhouse and the acres surrounding it would be in the family always. They didn't want to plant it at my parents house or my in-law's house because they both would most likely not be there for the rest of their lives. If the houses were ever sold, we wouldn't have access to the tree anymore, and we didn't want that. With the tree being at the farm, we could enjoy it for years and years to come. The JUGS wanted Luke's future brothers or sisters and cousins to be able to climb the tree, sit under it, and enjoy it and think of our sweet Luke every time. What a great idea, huh?! Justin and I were so touched that they wanted to do this for us. What a great way to honor of boy. If Luke was to be like his father in anyway, he would've been a tree climber! Justin loved to climb things as a child, trees included.
So, as the cold winter months made their way out, and spring entered in, we set up a date to plant the tree. May 16th ~ what would have been Luke's 4 month birthday. We all hoped for good weather, but here in central Ohio, that's never a guarantee! As the day approached, we kept an eye on the weather, and guess what? Rainy. Oh well, we wanted to proceed anyway! A little rain wasn't going to keep us from planting this beautiful red maple tree.
Missy purchased the tree at Oakland Nursery and brought it up to Beth and Andy's farm a couple days before. The day of the planting, we got to the farm early and picked a good spot for it to go. Once everyone arrived, we headed outside in our rain boots and holding umbrellas, and began digging! Justin and Andy started the process. Others joined in to help dig; my Dad, Ethan, Will, Caleb. It was a group effort! The tree was planted successfully and looked beautiful! Missy suggested putting mulch around the base of the tree, so we did just that.
Justin and I are so excited to watch this beautiful maple tree grow and thrive, just as we dreamed that our son would. It grow to be very tall, Missy said. We can't wait to watch Luke's cousins, and his future brothers or sisters, Lord willing, climb his tree and think of him every time. We can't wait for it to grow big and be able to sit under its shade in the summertime and think of Luke.
To the JUGS, this sweet group of ladies, thank you. Thank you for thinking of us and for your willingness to honor Luke in this way. We will enjoy this tree for decades to come. Each and every time we see it we will think of our son and smile. We will remember his crooked little smile, his little stink eye, the sweet coo's he made, the way he gripped my finger tightly, the way he gazed into his daddy's eyes, the feel of his velvety soft skin, his wrinkled little feet and hands, his head full of dark wavy hair. A large tree to my symbolizes strength, and that's exactly what Luke was....strong. He lived almost 7 hours without kidneys and lungs that did not work. He's our boy. Our strong, tough, determined son who fought. He fought hard.
About 15 years ago, my in-laws moved to Findlay, Ohio. Shortly after relocating there from Southern Ohio, my mother-in-law Cheryl got connected with a group of ladies and they became quick friends. This group of ladies would meet about once a month and gave themselves the name "The JUGS" which stood for "Just Us Girls". One of the JUGS was their next door neighbor, Missy. These ladies have become very close and share life with each other, spur one another on towards godliness, and pray for each other. I'm so glad my mother-in-law has a group of friends like this!
When we found out about Luke's fatal condition, this group was quick to rally around Cheryl, and also reached out to Justin and I. They let us know how they were constantly praying for us, for Luke, and the whole family. They were there for Cheryl in this most difficult time, just as close friends should be.
After Luke passed away in January, Justin and I received a note written by Missy (one of the JUGS who lives in Marion, Ohio). The note stated that this group of ladies wanted to do something special for Luke, for us, and the family. They thought about sending flowers but knew they would die shortly after receiving them, so they had another idea. They wanted to purchase a tree and plant it somewhere in his honor. In his memory. They thought of my sister and brother-in-law's property in Marion. They knew the farmhouse and the acres surrounding it would be in the family always. They didn't want to plant it at my parents house or my in-law's house because they both would most likely not be there for the rest of their lives. If the houses were ever sold, we wouldn't have access to the tree anymore, and we didn't want that. With the tree being at the farm, we could enjoy it for years and years to come. The JUGS wanted Luke's future brothers or sisters and cousins to be able to climb the tree, sit under it, and enjoy it and think of our sweet Luke every time. What a great idea, huh?! Justin and I were so touched that they wanted to do this for us. What a great way to honor of boy. If Luke was to be like his father in anyway, he would've been a tree climber! Justin loved to climb things as a child, trees included.
So, as the cold winter months made their way out, and spring entered in, we set up a date to plant the tree. May 16th ~ what would have been Luke's 4 month birthday. We all hoped for good weather, but here in central Ohio, that's never a guarantee! As the day approached, we kept an eye on the weather, and guess what? Rainy. Oh well, we wanted to proceed anyway! A little rain wasn't going to keep us from planting this beautiful red maple tree.
Missy purchased the tree at Oakland Nursery and brought it up to Beth and Andy's farm a couple days before. The day of the planting, we got to the farm early and picked a good spot for it to go. Once everyone arrived, we headed outside in our rain boots and holding umbrellas, and began digging! Justin and Andy started the process. Others joined in to help dig; my Dad, Ethan, Will, Caleb. It was a group effort! The tree was planted successfully and looked beautiful! Missy suggested putting mulch around the base of the tree, so we did just that.
Justin and I are so excited to watch this beautiful maple tree grow and thrive, just as we dreamed that our son would. It grow to be very tall, Missy said. We can't wait to watch Luke's cousins, and his future brothers or sisters, Lord willing, climb his tree and think of him every time. We can't wait for it to grow big and be able to sit under its shade in the summertime and think of Luke.
To the JUGS, this sweet group of ladies, thank you. Thank you for thinking of us and for your willingness to honor Luke in this way. We will enjoy this tree for decades to come. Each and every time we see it we will think of our son and smile. We will remember his crooked little smile, his little stink eye, the sweet coo's he made, the way he gripped my finger tightly, the way he gazed into his daddy's eyes, the feel of his velvety soft skin, his wrinkled little feet and hands, his head full of dark wavy hair. A large tree to my symbolizes strength, and that's exactly what Luke was....strong. He lived almost 7 hours without kidneys and lungs that did not work. He's our boy. Our strong, tough, determined son who fought. He fought hard.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Luke's Memorial Service
January 30, 2015 ~ Delaware Bible Church
The day of Luke's memorial service, I can remember waking up that morning excited. I was excited to celebrate my boy's life. I was excited to show our friends and family the pictures of him. I was excited to share all that the Lord had done. But, in the midst of that excitement, I was scared. I was worried that I wouldn't make it through speaking about my son. How am I going to stand on that stage and share my thoughts and share the letter I had written to Luke? I didn't think I was strong enough to do that. But, I knew I would regret it my whole life if I didn't speak about him and all God had done.
This service was planned by Justin and I. We had no control over all that happened with Luke and the condition he had, but we DID have control over how we honored him that night. We took a lot of time carefully planning what songs we wanted sung, what Scripture we wanted read, who would speak and what would they talk about, what Justin and I would share, what we wanted the programs to look like, what keepsakes of Luke's would we have sitting out for people to look at, what desserts we wanted served afterwards, etc. We took great pride in how Luke was honored and more importantly how God was honored.
My brother-in-law Jordan opened the service by welcoming everyone and sharing how Justin and I took on that very stage 7 years prior as we exchanged wedding vows. Who knew we'd be back a little over 7 years later for our son's memorial service? We then sang two songs, led by our friend Andy Scott along with Erin Burchwell on piano and Matt Hawley on violin. We all sang "Rock of Ages" and "Lord, I Need You". It was beautiful and they did an amazing job. After the worship time, Jordan spoke. He spoke of how Luke's life was both effective and affective. He did so good and I was so proud to call him my brother. A lot of people told us after that they loved what Jordan shared. After that, we had our family read various Scripture passages that we chose. Ones that had great meaning to us the months leading up to Luke's birth.
After the Scripture reading, our pastor, Lee Davis, spoke. He did amazing and so many people commented about how good his message was! When Lee was done, it was Justin and I's turn to share. I remember my hands being very sweaty as I was nervous to get up in front of all those people. But I was excited to talk about my boy. I shared about all God had done as far as answered prayers goes; specific prayers were answered along the way. I then read a letter I wrote to Luke. I had moments where I had to stop and compose myself, but for the most part I thought I did well considering the circumstances. I could feel God carrying me through that moment. Justin also shared and did an amazing job! The whole service is recorded if anyone ever wants to listen to everything!
When the service was over, I can't tell you how many people came up to us and told us what an amazing job we did. How it "was the best memorial service they'd ever been to" and how it was so honoring and glorifying to the Lord. That's exactly what we wanted. We wanted people to walk away feeling like they got to know our boy and at the same time they got to know the Lord and love Him more because of Luke's life. We also prayed that those who didn't know Christ, would walk away from that night a changed person. We pray, even now, that someone would come to know the Lord because of Luke. What an awesome thing that would be!
After the service, we had a coffee and dessert reception. Our dear friend, Brett Fife, who is the executive chef at Lindey's restaurant here in Columbus, made ALL of the desserts for us! 200 brownies and 200 cookies. The local Starbucks here in Delaware donated ALL of the coffee when they heard about the service. Nikki at Starbucks spear headed that effort and we were so thankful for that! Talk about a burden off of our shoulders. Everything just went so smoothly.
I hope and pray that the Lord doesn't bring us through the loss of another child. I don't think I could bear it. But, even though He allowed us to walk through this fire, we can honestly say that He has been most faithful and most good to us. Ive seen His hand and His loving care for me, us, more than ever. I've never loved Justin more than I do now. I've never had to cling to Jesus more than I have in the last year. God has been near, has been loving, has been kind, has been faithful. I pray that the pain of losing Luke lessens, but I pray that the fellowship and sweet times with the Lord never ends.
The day of Luke's memorial service, I can remember waking up that morning excited. I was excited to celebrate my boy's life. I was excited to show our friends and family the pictures of him. I was excited to share all that the Lord had done. But, in the midst of that excitement, I was scared. I was worried that I wouldn't make it through speaking about my son. How am I going to stand on that stage and share my thoughts and share the letter I had written to Luke? I didn't think I was strong enough to do that. But, I knew I would regret it my whole life if I didn't speak about him and all God had done.
This service was planned by Justin and I. We had no control over all that happened with Luke and the condition he had, but we DID have control over how we honored him that night. We took a lot of time carefully planning what songs we wanted sung, what Scripture we wanted read, who would speak and what would they talk about, what Justin and I would share, what we wanted the programs to look like, what keepsakes of Luke's would we have sitting out for people to look at, what desserts we wanted served afterwards, etc. We took great pride in how Luke was honored and more importantly how God was honored.
My brother-in-law Jordan opened the service by welcoming everyone and sharing how Justin and I took on that very stage 7 years prior as we exchanged wedding vows. Who knew we'd be back a little over 7 years later for our son's memorial service? We then sang two songs, led by our friend Andy Scott along with Erin Burchwell on piano and Matt Hawley on violin. We all sang "Rock of Ages" and "Lord, I Need You". It was beautiful and they did an amazing job. After the worship time, Jordan spoke. He spoke of how Luke's life was both effective and affective. He did so good and I was so proud to call him my brother. A lot of people told us after that they loved what Jordan shared. After that, we had our family read various Scripture passages that we chose. Ones that had great meaning to us the months leading up to Luke's birth.
After the Scripture reading, our pastor, Lee Davis, spoke. He did amazing and so many people commented about how good his message was! When Lee was done, it was Justin and I's turn to share. I remember my hands being very sweaty as I was nervous to get up in front of all those people. But I was excited to talk about my boy. I shared about all God had done as far as answered prayers goes; specific prayers were answered along the way. I then read a letter I wrote to Luke. I had moments where I had to stop and compose myself, but for the most part I thought I did well considering the circumstances. I could feel God carrying me through that moment. Justin also shared and did an amazing job! The whole service is recorded if anyone ever wants to listen to everything!
When the service was over, I can't tell you how many people came up to us and told us what an amazing job we did. How it "was the best memorial service they'd ever been to" and how it was so honoring and glorifying to the Lord. That's exactly what we wanted. We wanted people to walk away feeling like they got to know our boy and at the same time they got to know the Lord and love Him more because of Luke's life. We also prayed that those who didn't know Christ, would walk away from that night a changed person. We pray, even now, that someone would come to know the Lord because of Luke. What an awesome thing that would be!
After the service, we had a coffee and dessert reception. Our dear friend, Brett Fife, who is the executive chef at Lindey's restaurant here in Columbus, made ALL of the desserts for us! 200 brownies and 200 cookies. The local Starbucks here in Delaware donated ALL of the coffee when they heard about the service. Nikki at Starbucks spear headed that effort and we were so thankful for that! Talk about a burden off of our shoulders. Everything just went so smoothly.
I hope and pray that the Lord doesn't bring us through the loss of another child. I don't think I could bear it. But, even though He allowed us to walk through this fire, we can honestly say that He has been most faithful and most good to us. Ive seen His hand and His loving care for me, us, more than ever. I've never loved Justin more than I do now. I've never had to cling to Jesus more than I have in the last year. God has been near, has been loving, has been kind, has been faithful. I pray that the pain of losing Luke lessens, but I pray that the fellowship and sweet times with the Lord never ends.
Luke's Burial
January 29, 2015 ~ Cheshire Cemetery
Laying your child to rest. Probably the most difficult thing I've had to do in my life thus far. The thought of putting my child in the ground, six feet down to be exact, terrified me. I didn't want to do it. I wanted Luke with me. I didn't want him in the ground. But, the day was here and there was no turning back.
As the day approached, we kept a close eye on the weather for that day. It was forecasted to be cold, wet, and rainy. The type of weather that's very fitting for a graveside service, right? Even though the forecast was very fitting for how we were feeling, I was earnestly praying that it would change. That somehow it wouldn't be raining. That somehow the freezing rain that was supposed to come, wouldn't. It wasn't looking good, but we have to proceed anyway.
I woke up that morning and it was cold and gray, but the rain was holding off. The service was scheduled for 11am, and at around 9am, the rain started. Perfect. Not only do I have to bury my son today, but I'm going to have to stand in the rain to do it. I remember specifically praying that the rain would stop. At least stop long enough so that we could get through the service semi-dry.
As we made our way to the cemetery, it was lightly sprinkling. Just barely. When we arrived at the cemetery, the rain stopped. Not a drop! I was silently thanking the Lord for this small blessing. At least we could get through this service without the rain pelting us.
The ceremony began with Justin carrying Luke's casket to the spot where he would be buried. Justin dreaded the thought of this and didn't know how he'd make it through that moment. Mike, the funeral director, opened the back of the vehicle that was carrying Luke's casket. There he was. Our tiny, little boy, in a small, white casket with a spray of white roses on top of it. I had never seen a casket so small. I wanted to badly to rip the lid off of it, pick him up, and take him home. We walked over to the car and Justin picked up the casket and held it in his arms. The tears flowed. We very carefully walked the casket over to the spot and set it down, then took our seats. Our pastor, Lee, did an amazing job with the graveside message. He spoke truth and reminded us again that the grave is not the end. Just as Lee started talking about the glory of God, something amazing happened. The morning had been cold and rainy, and RIGHT at 11am the sun came out!! It came out for maybe 2-3 minutes and was not seen again the rest of the day. It was as if God was telling us all
"I am here with you. I'm in this place. Here is a gentle reminder that in the midst of your tears, I am still King and shining light into your broken hearts." My sister got our her camera and took a picture of the sun shining through the clouds right over us. We all looked at each other as if to say "Can you believe it?!" How kind and loving of the Lord to bring the sunshine just as we started the ceremony.
When it was time for Justin and I to leave, I took a white rose from the arrangement on his casket. I didn't want to just leave Luke there. I knew he was in heaven, but leaving his physical body just sitting there, was so difficult. I put my hand on his casket and said...
"My little boy, I miss you so much and can't wait to see you again. I promise to come back here and visit often. I promise to keep this spot looking nice and bring you flowers. I love you so much."
As Justin and I drove away, I was sobbing. I kept looking back at his tiny casket sitting there and saying out loud...
"Please be careful with him. Please lay him down in the ground carefully. Please be gentle."
I wanted them to be as careful with his body as possible. I knew they would, but my mommy heart was breaking and I wanted them to be gentle. As we pulled away and he was no longer in sight, my heart broke into a million pieces. He was officially laid to rest.
Since Luke's burial, we have gone back many times to visit him. I'm looking forward to the warm weather when the snow around him melts away and I can sit on the grass without freezing! I look forward to the trees being bloomed out and being able to sit under the big tree he's buried under and talk to him. Even though I know he's not there, his body is and it brings me some comfort to be there close to his physical body. I look forward to the day where I can see him again and there is no longer a need for cemeteries. No need for headstones. Until that day comes, I'll continue visiting him and thanking the Lord for his precious, short, meaningful, effective life. I love you so much, my boy.
Laying your child to rest. Probably the most difficult thing I've had to do in my life thus far. The thought of putting my child in the ground, six feet down to be exact, terrified me. I didn't want to do it. I wanted Luke with me. I didn't want him in the ground. But, the day was here and there was no turning back.
As the day approached, we kept a close eye on the weather for that day. It was forecasted to be cold, wet, and rainy. The type of weather that's very fitting for a graveside service, right? Even though the forecast was very fitting for how we were feeling, I was earnestly praying that it would change. That somehow it wouldn't be raining. That somehow the freezing rain that was supposed to come, wouldn't. It wasn't looking good, but we have to proceed anyway.
I woke up that morning and it was cold and gray, but the rain was holding off. The service was scheduled for 11am, and at around 9am, the rain started. Perfect. Not only do I have to bury my son today, but I'm going to have to stand in the rain to do it. I remember specifically praying that the rain would stop. At least stop long enough so that we could get through the service semi-dry.
As we made our way to the cemetery, it was lightly sprinkling. Just barely. When we arrived at the cemetery, the rain stopped. Not a drop! I was silently thanking the Lord for this small blessing. At least we could get through this service without the rain pelting us.
The ceremony began with Justin carrying Luke's casket to the spot where he would be buried. Justin dreaded the thought of this and didn't know how he'd make it through that moment. Mike, the funeral director, opened the back of the vehicle that was carrying Luke's casket. There he was. Our tiny, little boy, in a small, white casket with a spray of white roses on top of it. I had never seen a casket so small. I wanted to badly to rip the lid off of it, pick him up, and take him home. We walked over to the car and Justin picked up the casket and held it in his arms. The tears flowed. We very carefully walked the casket over to the spot and set it down, then took our seats. Our pastor, Lee, did an amazing job with the graveside message. He spoke truth and reminded us again that the grave is not the end. Just as Lee started talking about the glory of God, something amazing happened. The morning had been cold and rainy, and RIGHT at 11am the sun came out!! It came out for maybe 2-3 minutes and was not seen again the rest of the day. It was as if God was telling us all
"I am here with you. I'm in this place. Here is a gentle reminder that in the midst of your tears, I am still King and shining light into your broken hearts." My sister got our her camera and took a picture of the sun shining through the clouds right over us. We all looked at each other as if to say "Can you believe it?!" How kind and loving of the Lord to bring the sunshine just as we started the ceremony.
When it was time for Justin and I to leave, I took a white rose from the arrangement on his casket. I didn't want to just leave Luke there. I knew he was in heaven, but leaving his physical body just sitting there, was so difficult. I put my hand on his casket and said...
"My little boy, I miss you so much and can't wait to see you again. I promise to come back here and visit often. I promise to keep this spot looking nice and bring you flowers. I love you so much."
As Justin and I drove away, I was sobbing. I kept looking back at his tiny casket sitting there and saying out loud...
"Please be careful with him. Please lay him down in the ground carefully. Please be gentle."
I wanted them to be as careful with his body as possible. I knew they would, but my mommy heart was breaking and I wanted them to be gentle. As we pulled away and he was no longer in sight, my heart broke into a million pieces. He was officially laid to rest.
Since Luke's burial, we have gone back many times to visit him. I'm looking forward to the warm weather when the snow around him melts away and I can sit on the grass without freezing! I look forward to the trees being bloomed out and being able to sit under the big tree he's buried under and talk to him. Even though I know he's not there, his body is and it brings me some comfort to be there close to his physical body. I look forward to the day where I can see him again and there is no longer a need for cemeteries. No need for headstones. Until that day comes, I'll continue visiting him and thanking the Lord for his precious, short, meaningful, effective life. I love you so much, my boy.
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